Hope. Having Hope is dang hard. St. Padre Pio has a quote that I just love/struggle with and that is "Pray, Hope and do not Worry". Well, since moving to Texas the Lord and I have had some rough one on one time. Y'know those prayer times that start out awesome? Like you are sitting in Church and you are thinking "Wow Lord. Life is good. I've gone through alot of healing and well following you is just the best." Then you and God are silent for a while and then He shows you your heart. You know- that part of it you haven't looked at in a while with that wound you thought had healed? Well- as you look at that part of your heart you notice that it is still bleeding. That wound has reopened and you want to run far from that messy pain. But then you make eye contact with Jesus and his gaze of love just traps you there.
I have been realizing lately that I really struggle with hoping and trusting in the Lord's will for my life. When everything is going well and I can see the road ahead-all is well. But when I cannot see what the Lord is doing and I realize just how not in control I am of my life. I freak out. When I was in prayer the other day this really bothered me. I realized that this lack of trust was a major roadblock for being a good youth minister (that's right I thought more about how it effected my ministry then my relationship with God-I'm flawed y'all and its ok).
So God and I had a chat. I prayed for Hope and God asked me why I didn't trust Him. I feigned ignorance since I clearly did not want to talk about the wounds that caused pain. Ignorance is bliss right? Then I sat in the silence as God just looked at me and loved me as He always does. Then I admitted what I was afraid of. I live in fear because I did not think that God loves me enough to grant me the desires of my heart. I struggle very much with feeling worthy of love. I can look at my teens, peers, parishioners, random strangers and see how very much God loves them and how they are so very deserving of love. But for myself? No way. I mean come on- I am selfish, egotistical hot mess most if not all of the time. How could God love me so much that He would give me the greatest gifts? Call me to greatness? Make me a saint? Fulfill even the tiniest desires of my heart? No way. I am too awkward, weird, soft-spoken...the excuse list can go on for miles and miles. But God loves me. I AM LOVEABLE.
Why is it so hard to allow the Lord to love us? Why is it so painful to be seen and loved? Why in moments of pure joy does my heart become tense- waiting for the other shoe to drop? Why can I not live in joyful hope? Simple answer? Because I do not fully believe with my whole heart that God deeply loves me.
I have come to the realization that Hope stems from Love. We cannot hope and trust in God and his will for our lives if we fail to let Him love us. So often I believe the lie that one day God is just going to have enough of me and decide I am not worthy (because I am not worthy). I worry that one day God is going to realize just how much of lost weirdo little sheep I am and not want to pursue my heart. That He will let me remain lost and get attacked by wolves with no hope of a happy ending.
This is all not the heart of God towards me. God DELIGHTS in me. He is CONSTANTLY pursuing my heart. When I finally opened up to God about this I could literally feel the sadness in His heart. He wants only what is best for me. God desires me totally and fully. True- I still have my crosses. But God NEVER ABANDONS his children. God deeply desires the best for us and works EVERYTHING for our good. Holy. Freaking. Cow.
Not everything I think I want is for my own good. So when I do not get things how I want, or things happen that hurt me- I think wow God hates me. He has finally seen me as a little bugger who deserves to suffer. But y'all-no. God does not delight in the suffering of his children. My suffering breaks his heart. But like the Good Good Father that He is- He holds me and remains with me in that suffering. Do not believe me? Look at a crucifix and gaze into the face of Christ who would rather die a most painful death then live one second with you believing that He hates you.
Truth be told my brothers and sisters- God is good. So. Good. He loves us beyond imagining and works all things for our good.
Dare to Hope. If you remain trapped in your fear and the wounds that prevent from you from seeing and believing in God's love for you- You will never fly on the wings of Hope. Life is a fight and journey that is hard. For me I find it so incredibly difficult to keep persevering in suffering. The wounds of being hurt, unloved and abandonment plague me daily. But God does not run away from my bleeding little heart. He takes it in his hands and kisses it with the deepest love and affection.
If you are in a rough place right now, let the Lord love you. Let Him draw you close and kiss your bleeding little heart. If you are in a good place right now- praise God! Do not forget to remain focused on Jesus who walks this road with you. Cling to the Sacraments and Jesus who remains in the tabernacle 24/7 for you.
Lastly- ask for prayers. Be vulnerable. No one has their life together. Be real with others and find friends to cheer you on and pray for you. Know that you do not walk alone. Not ever.
May Mama Mary wrap you tightly in her mantle.
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