Your life is not your own.
Let those words sink in.
St Paul said "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain". I have been reflecting on this for the past few weeks and all that it implies. The life of Fr. Michael Scanlan (if you have not heard of him look him up- what a man) has particularly been on my heart in the past few weeks in regards to this verse. Growing up in Steubenville OH and attending Franciscan University, I had the most undeserved blessing to encounter the holy boldness of Fr Mike. Fr Mike followed Christ no matter the cost. He did not let fear stop him from following the light unflinchingly.
Fr Mike Scanlan's life impacted so many people. Not just because he was a dynamic preacher or so gifted but because he recognized that his life was not his own. Because he renounced a spirit of fear to follow the Holy Spirit in boldness- countless lives were/are still being impacted. His life and the lives of so many others intimidate me. I was indeed blessed to grow up near such a profound example of holiness. But the feelings of smallness, inadequacy and unworthiness are a big part of my life. God calls us all to live lives of holy boldness and to change the world, but it is terrifying.
My whole life I have been a very shy and overly cautious person. You know the little girl that hid behind her Mom when meeting new people? The kid that never talked in class? Yea that was me. I remember one time when I started at a new school that I was shaking from fear so badly that I just fell down on the floor in the middle of math class. I'm the kid that when faced with fear either throws up, runs away or just blacks out/freezes- or a combo of all of that. Then the Lord called me to serve him in youth ministry here in the great state (country?) of Texas.
Following the Lord is the greatest adventure. But for a naturally non adventurous person, I have wrestled with the Lord alot about this life of living in holy boldness. A few months ago I asked some mentors for prayers as I was about to start this new chapter of life in Texas. I shared with this group of mentors how excited yet terrified and bewildered I was to follow the Lord into this unknown. They kept praying for me to have confidence and I laughed to myself because I had no confidence in who I was. I kept picturing all the fear and worry that plagued my heart. But then a priest prayed with me and he prayed that I would have confidence in God and not myself. And then the classic light bulb moment happened.
We can do NOTHING apart from God. If I live my life on my own, focusing on my own talents and confidence- well nothing can possibly be good in that. But if I give myself completely to God he takes over. And God can do ALL things. In that moment I began to understand what it meant to be bold. See, being bold isn't about being the most choleric extrovert who is constantly sure of themselves (of which I am naturally the opposite), it is about being one with God.
Fall in love with God. He will fill you with confidence and courage in the profound knowledge that you are not your own. That you are never alone. I believe that Fr Mike like so many others who preceded and inspired him lived lives of Holy Boldness because their life was now Christ's. Their confidence did not come from their gifts but from their radical and intimate relationship with God who filled them with a fire of love that could not be tamed.
Does that scare you? It definitely scares me. Losing control and predictability and comfort is not the natural way of my little hobbit heart. But the more I follow God in this life with each yes and step into the terrifying unknown the more I am completely astounded by His Glory. God wants to change the world and work wonders through me. Not because of how gifted I am, or how awesome I am but simply because He wants to take me on a grand adventure.
If you, like me, struggle with the idea of Holy Boldness and allowing Christ to do whatever He wants in your life, it is ok. Take it one step at a time. Be real and honest with God in prayer. This past weekend I was in Adoration and just wept because I was so homesick for familiarity and being known. But as I dried my tears, Christ walked by and comforted me. God wants to magnify my life for his glory so that the life I live now may bring others to Heaven.
So, this life- it really isn't about you. If you focus so much on yourself and what you think will make you happy- you will miss the joy God is placing before you. So if you are like St. Peter- sinking amidst the waves, reach out to Christ and let him pull you up to walk with him on top of the waves. God desires you. Give him your whole heart and let him lead you. Trust. Hope. and Be filled with Joy and Holy Boldness.
