The Journey to Becoming

The original title to this post was called the "Joy of Becoming". Ha. But let's be real, this whole process of becoming who we are called to be is definitely not always joyful. Rather it can be rather painful, gut wrenching, peaceful yet turbulent, and stretching. Needless to say, I felt like talking about just the joy was unrealistic and unjust to those of us who find this process really freaking difficult.

What do I mean by becoming? I mean allowing God mold you into the amazing individual who he has planned you to be from all eternity, the process of becoming a saint.

This Journey of holiness- of becoming more and more who I am and was always meant to be is a rough road. It requires us to step out of our comfort zone and forge ahead to the goal. It requires a constant dying to self and obedience to what God asks of us. It requires letting the Lord completely destroy your awesome 5 year plan and accept what he hands you even if you do not understand it. It requires loving others and reminding them what/Who they were made for. It is hard.

But...it is so worth it.

It is hard to see that this process of becoming is worth it. In all honesty, as I wrote that I struggled hard. There are so many times where I resent God for using me without my consent, for moving me around without my consultation and expecting things from me that I feel like someone else is way more qualified to deliver on.

What gives me hope is witnessing the lives of the Saints (So that's how this solemnity fits in?!)
Their lives were full of suffering and hardship but also a deep and profound joy. They gave up everything so that Christ would really live through them. I look at the example of Saints like St John Paul 2 who changed so many lives, who brought hope to so many, and I am filled with hope.

My life is not about me. God's timing is annoying to me. But I also know that in the grand scheme of things my life and yours has a profound purpose. We are called to journey to Heaven, our real home, and bring as many souls as possible with us along the way. No one said it would be easy. In fact, Jesus warns us that it will be hard and difficult.

We are not alone. If today, you like me are resenting God and struggling with the call he has placed on your life because you really don't think you can handle it anymore, take courage! You are not alone. We have a great crowd (multitude) of witnesses who are cheering us on and supporting us. Also know that God loves you so immensely that he desires to make your life a masterpiece. Trust the process. It's ok to squirm and scream along the way- but let God hold you and rest in his heart during the journey. He is not going to leave you desolate.

Take heart, the Victory has been won.

Holy Boldness

Your life is not your own.

Let those words sink in.

St Paul said "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain". I have been reflecting on this for the past few weeks and all that it implies. The life of Fr. Michael Scanlan (if you have not heard of him look him up- what a man) has particularly been on my heart in the past few weeks in regards to this verse. Growing up in Steubenville OH and attending Franciscan University, I had the most undeserved blessing to encounter the holy boldness of Fr Mike. Fr Mike followed Christ no matter the cost. He did not let fear stop him from following the light unflinchingly.

Fr Mike Scanlan's life impacted so many people. Not just because he was a dynamic preacher or so gifted but because he recognized that his life was not his own. Because he renounced a spirit of fear to follow the Holy Spirit in boldness- countless lives were/are still being impacted. His life and the lives of so many others intimidate me. I was indeed blessed to grow up near such a profound example of holiness. But the feelings of smallness, inadequacy and unworthiness are a big part of my life. God calls us all to live lives of holy boldness and to change the world, but it is terrifying.

My whole life I have been a very shy and overly cautious person. You know the little girl that hid behind her Mom when meeting new people? The kid that never talked in class? Yea that was me. I remember one time when I started at a new school that I was shaking from fear so badly that I just fell down on the floor in the middle of math class. I'm the kid that when faced with fear either throws up, runs away or just blacks out/freezes- or a combo of all of that. Then the Lord called me to serve him in youth ministry here in the great state (country?) of Texas.

Following the Lord is the greatest adventure. But for a naturally non adventurous person, I have wrestled with the Lord alot about this life of living in holy boldness. A few months ago I asked some mentors for prayers as I was about to start this new chapter of life in Texas. I shared with this group of mentors how excited yet terrified and bewildered I was to follow the Lord into this unknown. They kept praying for me to have confidence and I laughed to myself because I had no confidence in who I was. I kept picturing all the fear and worry that plagued my heart. But then a priest prayed with me and he prayed that I would have confidence in God and not myself. And then the classic light bulb moment happened.

We can do NOTHING apart from God. If I live my life on my own, focusing on my own talents and confidence- well nothing can possibly be good in that. But if I give myself completely to God he takes over. And God can do ALL things. In that moment I began to understand what it meant to be bold. See, being bold isn't about being the most choleric extrovert who is constantly sure of themselves (of which I am naturally the opposite), it is about being one with God.

Fall in love with God. He will fill you with confidence and courage in the profound knowledge that you are not your own. That you are never alone. I believe that Fr Mike like so many others who preceded and inspired him lived lives of Holy Boldness because their life was now Christ's. Their confidence did not come from their gifts but from their radical and intimate relationship with God who filled them with a fire of love that could not be tamed.

Does that scare you? It definitely scares me. Losing control and predictability and comfort is not the natural way of my little hobbit heart. But the more I follow God in this life with each yes and step into the terrifying unknown the more I am completely astounded by His Glory. God wants to change the world and work wonders through me. Not because of how gifted I am, or how awesome I am but simply because He wants to take me on a grand adventure.

If you, like me, struggle with the idea of Holy Boldness and allowing Christ to do whatever He wants in your life, it is ok. Take it one step at a time. Be real and honest with God in prayer. This past weekend I was in Adoration and just wept because I was so homesick for familiarity and being known. But as I dried my tears, Christ walked by and comforted me. God wants to magnify my life for his glory so that the life I live now may bring others to Heaven.

So, this life- it really isn't about you. If you focus so much on yourself and what you think will make you happy- you will miss the joy God is placing before you. So if you are like St. Peter- sinking amidst the waves, reach out to Christ and let him pull you up to walk with him on top of the waves. God desires you. Give him your whole heart and let him lead you. Trust. Hope. and Be filled with Joy and Holy Boldness.

Hoping When the Other Shoe Drops

Wow. Another blog post so soon Mary? Yea. I know. I really have not blogged very much ever but the Lord strongly put it on my heart to continue talking about the topic of Hope that I started in my last post.

Today is the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows. I always struggle with this feast because I really dislike sorrow and suffering. I hate crying. Hate. It. I especially hate weeping- mostly because when you are truly weeping you cannot stop. Now, I know most girls love to have a good cry-but I am not one of them. I prefer laughter and dry wit. But over the past few years crying has been a constant in my prayer life.

As I was reflecting on Hope in suffering I thought about the difficult choice that it is to continue hoping even when faced with your greatest fear coming true. When the other shoe really does drop. We have all experienced this feeling in some capacity- be it in small ways such as disappointment-not getting your dream job/crush/home/car/grade. Or in big ways- Being diagnosed with cancer, grieving the loss of a loved one, being faced with tragedy or rejection. We have all experienced that awful moment where your stomach drops and your heart breaks or shatters.

On February 21 2012 I experienced the worst sorrow I have experienced so far in my life. My Dad, who meant so much to me died suddenly of a severe heart attack. I was in another country at the time doing missionary work. My world fell apart. I felt betrayed, alone, completely and utterly at a loss for words, thoughts...I will never forget that feeling. I had to remember to physically just breathe. The feeling when you start crying so hard and you do not think you could ever stop and you crumple into a ball and forget your surroundings. The past 6 years since that day have been filled with the hardest prayer times I have ever had. And you know what stinks? There is more suffering to come.

My life has become a journey of rediscovering joy- joy that is only found in hope. The truth is that we live in a valley of tears- and life here on earth is never going to be all sunshine and roses. You struggling with this? Yea, me too. I find that whenever I am in those prayer times where my heart is shattered and the only prayer I can muster is Jesus help me- amidst deep sobs- all I want to do is run away.

We remedy suffering and sorrow with distractions don't we? I know I do. Binge watching Parks and Rec on Netflix instead of facing my sorrow? You betcha. Hide in the corner during prayer planning out my next ministry event instead of gazing into the eyes of Jesus, whose love and compassion pierces my soul like a knife? Yep.

But Hope and Joy cannot be found even in the midst of the most awesome sitcom. I love watching hours of the Office and escaping from reality. But after those distractions have faded- I am left alone and sitting in my sorrow.

Jesus and his Mother did not run from suffering. They embraced it for the sake of Love. See, God works miracles through our deepest wounds. One of my favorite Scripture passages is when Jesus weeps at the tomb of Lazarus. Jesus wept. Let that sink in.

 Jesus felt that deep heart pain. Our Lady? She lost her earthly husband and then watched on as her Son was beaten and crucified in front of her. That is deep suffering. Rejection, loss, disappointment. God did not avoid suffering when He became man. He ran to it because in that suffering Salvation was offered and Hope was found.

God works all things for our good. I never thought that my Dad's death would bring about good things. But over the past few years God has used my suffering to bring hope to others. I have been given the amazing opportunity countless times to enter into the suffering of others through my own wounds of loss and rejection. Joy has been born out of my suffering in ways that baffle me on the daily. We may live in the valley of tears- but we are on a journey home to Heaven where all our wounds that we have given to Christ will become jewels in our Heavenly crown. That is where our Hope is found. We look at the Cross and we know that we each must face our Good Friday. Good Friday however, is not the end of the story. Easter happened. Christ rose and conquered evil. Christ becomes intimate with us in our suffering-because in carrying out crosses and being crucified with him we enter into real relationship with him. Then he shall raise us up to the fulfillment of all Joy that can only be found in him. We are called to greatness and to glory-but the road to glory is a battle.

Choose Jesus. Yes, your heart will be shattered, you will face rejection, loss and pain. But you do not do so alone. Jesus is so very present in it. We HOPE for what we cannot see. The joy of Heaven. God will use your suffering to accomplish miracles-if only instead of hiding your wounds you walk alongside Christ as you carry your cross. He will give you your Simon of Cyrene to help you carry the cross if only you ask.

Trust in God friends. He wants to use you for epic purposes. I pray that you allow God to use you in your sufferings. Do not be afraid to step out into the deep. Jesus is calling.

AMDG

Daring to Hope

Hope. Having Hope is dang hard. St. Padre Pio has a quote that I just love/struggle with and that is "Pray, Hope and do not Worry". Well, since moving to Texas the Lord and I have had some rough one on one time. Y'know those prayer times that start out awesome? Like you are sitting in Church and you are thinking "Wow Lord. Life is good. I've gone through alot of healing and well following you is just the best." Then you and God are silent for a while and then He shows you your heart. You know- that part of it you haven't looked at in a while with that wound you thought had healed? Well- as you look at that part of your heart you notice that it is still bleeding. That wound has reopened and you want to run far from that messy pain. But then you make eye contact with Jesus and his gaze of love just traps you there.

I have been realizing lately that I really struggle with hoping and trusting in the Lord's will for my life. When everything is going well and I can see the road ahead-all is well. But when I cannot see what the Lord is doing and I realize just how not in control I am of my life. I freak out. When I was in prayer the other day this really bothered me. I realized that this lack of trust was a major roadblock for being a good youth minister (that's right I thought more about how it effected my ministry then my relationship with God-I'm flawed y'all and its ok).

So God and I had a chat. I prayed for Hope and God asked me why I didn't trust Him. I feigned ignorance since I clearly did not want to talk about the wounds that caused pain. Ignorance is bliss right? Then I sat in the silence as God just looked at me and loved me as He always does. Then I admitted what I was afraid of. I live in fear because I did not think that God loves me enough to grant me the desires of my heart. I struggle very much with feeling worthy of love. I can look at my teens, peers, parishioners, random strangers and see how very much God loves them and how they are so very deserving of love. But for myself? No way. I mean come on- I am selfish, egotistical hot mess most if not all of the time. How could God love me so much that He would give me the greatest gifts? Call me to greatness? Make me a saint? Fulfill even the tiniest desires of my heart? No way. I am too awkward, weird, soft-spoken...the excuse list can go on for miles and miles. But God loves me. I AM LOVEABLE.

Why is it so hard to allow the Lord to love us? Why is it so painful to be seen and loved? Why in moments of pure joy does my heart become tense- waiting for the other shoe to drop? Why can I not live in joyful hope? Simple answer? Because I do not fully believe with my whole heart that God deeply loves me.
I have come to the realization that Hope stems from Love. We cannot hope and trust in God and his will for our lives if we fail to let Him love us. So often I believe the lie that one day God is just going to have enough of me and decide I am not worthy (because I am not worthy). I worry that one day God is going to realize just how much of lost weirdo little sheep I am and not want to pursue my heart. That He will let me remain lost and get attacked by wolves with no hope of a happy ending.
This is all not the heart of God towards me. God DELIGHTS in me. He is CONSTANTLY pursuing my heart. When I finally opened up to God about this I could literally feel the sadness in His heart. He wants only what is best for me. God desires me totally and fully. True- I still have my crosses. But God NEVER ABANDONS his children. God deeply desires the best for us and works EVERYTHING for our good. Holy. Freaking. Cow.

Not everything I think I want is for my own good. So when I do not get things how I want, or things happen that hurt me- I think wow God hates me. He has finally seen me as a little bugger who deserves to suffer. But y'all-no. God does not delight in the suffering of his children. My suffering breaks his heart. But like the Good Good Father that He is- He holds me and remains with me in that suffering. Do not believe me? Look at a crucifix and gaze into the face of Christ who would rather die a most painful death then live one second with you believing that He hates you.
Truth be told my brothers and sisters- God is good. So. Good. He loves us beyond imagining and works all things for our good.

Dare to Hope. If you remain trapped in your fear and the wounds that prevent from you from seeing and believing in God's love for you- You will never fly on the wings of Hope. Life is a fight and journey that is hard. For me I find it so incredibly difficult to keep persevering in suffering. The wounds of being hurt, unloved and abandonment plague me daily. But God does not run away from my bleeding little heart. He takes it in his hands and kisses it with the deepest love and affection.
If you are in a rough place right now, let the Lord love you. Let Him draw you close and kiss your bleeding little heart. If you are in a good place right now- praise God! Do not forget to remain focused on Jesus who walks this road with you. Cling to the Sacraments and Jesus who remains in the tabernacle 24/7 for you.
Lastly- ask for prayers. Be vulnerable. No one has their life together. Be real with others and find friends to cheer you on and pray for you. Know that you do not walk alone. Not ever.
May Mama Mary wrap you tightly in her mantle.

AMDG

Whatever God Wants

Hello! I am back to the blogging world! I have put it off for a long while-simply because life has been a bit of a whirlwind.
So- when I was in undergrad I joined this household at Franciscan whose motto was "Whatever God Wants" Our whole devotion was complete surrender to the will of God through the example of the "fiats" of the Holy Family. Awesome right? Yea, I think so too.
Well- my whole life I have been a 5 year plan kind of girl. Like having a plan and a backup plan gives me peace and a sense of control. Obvi. Well, long story short- I am not in control. God is. I wish I could tell you that the prayer of my heart is always this profound joy that God is in control and that giving him the desires of my heart were simple and super easy. But, honestly, the prayer of my heart (especially in the past few years) has been more of a "God-what the ***** are you doing?!"

Yep. There you have it. The honest raw prayer of a little-wants total control heart.
See, life with Christ is a wonderful adventure- honestly and truly. But my heart is like a combo of a little child and a peaceful loving hobbit. A little two year old child that just wants what she wants and if the responsible loving parent disagrees that touching the cool orange hot stove is not a good idea or that eating an entire box of cookies for dinner is not either, well- then tantrum time it must be. A hobbit in the sense that I don't want any adventures. I like to stay in my comfort zone with a nice warm fire with all my favorite foods stored in the pantry- thank you very much. No parties of dwarves and fights with dragons and whatnot to ruin my peace and security. See life is predictable in the Shire. I like predictable.

Then here comes God like Gandalf in the Hobbit- looking for Bilbo to share in the grand adventure that will help Bilbo discover who he is and what he is capable of.



Much like Gandalf kinda tricks Bilbo into the adventure of a lifetime- God has been duping me my whole life. When I made the decision years ago to let God do whatever he wants in my life- I had no idea that he would take me seriously. I thought it was just a pious gesture. Then God started doing amazing things that were beyond my wildest imagination. I began to experience a peace and a joy that no amount of warm fires and fully stocked pantries could bring. I began to feel the thrill of adventure. Of conquering dragons of fear and climbing the mountains of solitude and unforeseen friendships.



For those of you who do not personally know me- these past few years have been a whirlwind- from missionary life to grad school to being a RD it was crazy. Then this past year just when I thought life was becoming predictable again, the Lord told me to move to Texas. I wish I could tell you that I immediately obeyed- but I told the Lord no.


As I sit here (having now been in Texas a whole month now) I am laughing at my utter stupidity. See, when the Lord put Texas on my heart and told good friends to tell me to pray about moving here. I got scared. See I knew (still really do not know) nothing about Texas. But I knew that when God put Texas on my heart that He had big plans for me. And I was afraid. So I hid myself (sound familiar? Check the book of Genesis where Adam and Eve feared God and so they hid--> didn't work out well).


Texas began to grow on my heart- but I still fought God about it. I mean, it was not close to my family, I knew nothing of the culture, and well I had never even visited Texas, so how possibly could I MOVE THERE?! But I told God that if it was his will- to make it abundantly clear. That was a dangerous prayer. He took me up on that offer. All of the sudden doors to jobs in places I thought I wanted to go- closed. Jobs that were offered suddenly became unavailable. I was mad and confused because I thought I knew what was best for me. Then God brought me to the right parish in Texas (that honestly I cannot remember applying for-even though I know I did). When I visited the parish I found the most profound peace and joy that I had not found anywhere else. So I said yes Lord, whatever you want.


This past month of living in Texas has been crazy. Hurricane Harvey showed up mere weeks after I moved and many times I feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities and blessings the Lord has poured into my life. I can honestly say that my life looks nothing like I planned it to be. But, I can honestly truly tell you that I have never been so filled with joy and peace in saying yes to the adventure God has brought me along for.



God calls us out of our personal Shires so go out on dangerous business. To go on adventures to slay dragons and bring hope to those who have forgotten how to. The Life God wants for you might be nothing like the life you thought you dreamed of, and that is okay. What I have been learning is that God's plans for me are beyond my imaginable desires. He knows how to lead me to where I need to be in order to live the life I was destined to live. All he needs is permission. I pray that as you read this that you give the Lord permission to ruin your plans. Because what God has in store for you is adventure and happiness beyond your wildest imagination! It's okay to be scared. But do not hide from God. He is good, and he is trustworthy.

In the last words I ever received from my earthly father: "God has promised us happiness and he is always faithful to his word"
Say yes to God today. He has amazing things in store for you- do not let fear stop you from your adventure.