Verso l' Alto!

So, once upon a time I started blogging. Then, true to my millennial life I forgot all about it and got distracted with Netflix and my day to day life. Classic. However over the course of this past few weeks I have felt the urge to write a few thoughts and reflections from my heart in this juncture in my life.

 To start off- about a month ago I turned 26. Suffice to say I was not ready to become another year older and adjustment to being well into the onset of “real adulthood” reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I have hit all the milestones you can hit before you turn 30- legally can drink, I can rent a car etc… I have a job that is full of responsibility and it’s awesome. But to be honest with you I am not where I thought I would be when I was a little freshman in college. When I was but a wee undergrad I imagined that by 26 I would be settled into a permanent job, be part of parish, be married with at least one kid and oh yes, know exactly where my life was headed. LOL. Psych. That is not where I have ended up at 26. I have an awesome (yet transitional) job that I love- but yet again it’s transitional, I am not part of a parish (ok this one is probably my fault. I am definitely not married, have no kids and I have no idea where my life is headed. But you know what? I am so at peace and happy in this stage of my life.

Over this past month of being more than a year out of college and being 26 and finally putting a dent in those lovely college loans- I have been laughing at how little 17 year old me would have been terrified at knowing what the future held in these past few years. I never could have imagined living abroad doing youth ministry, getting my MA or any of the adventures the Lord has granted me. I never thought I wanted any of it. But in the midst of the surrender of my will these past few years the Lord has shown me true happiness and peace.

But to be real and honest with y’all who might be reading this, following the Lord’s will has also been a struggle. A struggle not so much in the sense that God is cruel and giving me things that are horrible. But that it is a real struggle to die to my selfish desires. Like really hard. Living life in ministry has taught me that I am a fearful and selfish person. The Lord wants to make me my best self so he is forming me into who I have always meant to be-and it hurts like hell.  Walking with Jesus isn’t like following a GPS with a step by step guide. But just taking it one day (sometimes one minute) at a time and being present to what the Lord presents to me in the moment, and choosing God in each moment.

 Recently I discovered this wonderful group called Sight and Sound. They bring Bible stories to life in a Broadway crosses Disney type musical show and it is awesome. The show I went to see was on the character of Samson. All I ever really knew about Samson before was that he struggled with women-and because of being seduced by Delilah broke his promise with God then he killed a bunch of Philistines. I never really cared about that story to be honest with you.  I always made fun of him and the only time I ever gave thought to Samson/Delilah is when I listen to one of my favorite comedians- Tim Hawkins and his “Hey There Delilah” parody. While entering into the story of Samson however, I was struck by how hard Samson struggled with the calling God had on his life. He was scared. He wanted a simple life. The Lord called him to greatness and he was afraid of it. He put his trust and found his solace in women that were not quite trustworthy and long story short he realizes in the midst of his failures that true happiness can only be found in following the Lord in all aspects of life.

One of the moments where I most related with Samson was the scene where he was at his father’s funeral. Samson is angry with God and his faith is shaken. He rebels against God and runs away. The grief in his heart was real and he did not let God into his wounded heart. Whereas his mother sings praises to God during the funeral and places her trust in God amidst the severe heartbreak. I thought about how much I run from God in so many ways on a daily basis. I too lost my dad about 5 years ago, and while the grief is not as hard now as it was in those first two years, the pain of this valley of tears is still quite real.

The Lord calls us to greatness and intimacy. Samson eventually got there, but boy did he struggle. Samson’s mother, while pain stricken found peace because she remained intimate with the Lord in the midst of her pain. The journey we call life is a constant pilgrimage towards our homeland in heaven. Each and every day we are presented with daily choices to choose God and allow him to carry us to greatness and deep intimacy or to run from Him. When I think of all the Lord can do with me and in me I am terrified because he is so great and I am so small. But who am I to deny God to do great things with me?

Basically, what I am getting at is the Lord calls us to be great of soul- to be heroes, saints! To climb to the heights like so many before us in the great cloud of witnesses! How great is our God eh? But you know what? It’s ok to be scared. Just as long as you do not dwell in that fear and run from Love. Perfect love casts out all fear. Samson ran and put his trust in a fading intimacy. The Lord found him in his brokenness and still did great things with him. So do not be discouraged if you have been running from the Lord, He is constantly there waiting for you.

Following Christ is unpredictable. I still suffer and carrying my cross is definitely difficult. I have no concrete five year plan.  Which terrifies me (I like solid plans and knowing what the future holds). But it’s ok. I have peace knowing that the Lord has a plan for my life and is leading me to be a great saint despite my kicking and screaming most days. In fact the Lord desires to do great things with me because I am just a “little one”. So be not afraid my friends, the Lord knows your littleness and will carry you to the heights. He always gives a Simon of Cyrene to help carry our cross (Simon just looks a little different for each person). Just let Jesus pick you up. Forget yourself and follow. Drop your nets and run! You are not alone. The Lord might surprise you not with what you always thought you wanted, but he will show you the deepest desires of your heart and he will fulfill all your deepest desires. Because He is our deepest desire.