Real Talk

Call me crazy, but this year I have discovered something about myself; I enjoy being single. Yep, that is right, I ENJOY being single. 

Now that doesn’t mean that I do not desire to be in a relationship and hopefully one day get married and have beautiful babies. But it does mean that I actually find joy in this particular season of my life. But let’s be real, being single can really suck. It isn’t all freedom and adventures. It’s a lot of Netflix binging, frozen pizza and diet coke alone in your apartment nights. It also is having a fridge full of save the dates and wedding invites with no hope of a plus one. The loneliness while waiting for “your life to start” can be overwhelming.

One of those lonely Netflix and frozen pizza nights I was overwhelmed with the desire for communion with others. Then I gave a pep talk to myself. I was isolating myself from communion. Just because I am single does not mean I have to be all on my own. No, I got up off my rear end and went in search of others. I went out and sought after loving others who also were feeling alone. And you know what? I found joy!

In the season of singleness I have found that there is a real temptation to feel all alone in the world. When all your friends have found significant others and suddenly you no longer have a place in their schedule or on their mind. It can hurt. But you know what? You have a choice. You can either feel sorry for yourself and have a pity party with my favorite pal Totino (Pizza) or you can get out there and search after other lonely hearts that want to encounter the love of God through you.

There have been so many times in the past couple years where I have thought life would just be easier if I just settled for a relationship with a guy that was “good enough” or who I could tolerate spending time with.  But I am sure glad I didn’t give into that. What stopped me? Well, I spent time really paying attention to the married couples and families around me and you know what I discovered? Marriage is freaking hard. Like really freaking hard. Kids are adorable yet require so much attention, and your spouse isn’t perfect and communication failure is a real thing. Marriage requires a whole lot of grace and the choice of who your spouse will be will determine your whole life.

One day when I was doing spiritual reading in college I came across an old homily in a magazine talking about marriage and the fate of the spouses. It read: Spouses will either be forever be joining uplifted hands praising God for all eternity or chained down in despair in the recesses of hell. Whoa. Talk about a sobering realization. The vocation of marriage is serious business and just settling for a spouse who I like well enough would be a dis service to myself, my spouse my kids and pretty much the whole world….

God’s heart for his children is so good. Like so so very very good. I have been reading Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Michael Gaitley this year and it has really opened my eyes to realize just how much the Lord desires the very best for his children. The Lord does not rejoice in the loneliness of the single heart.

Now disclaimer, I absolutely hate it when people who have been single all of a hot second and those who are happily married try and share the clichés that all single people receive: such as, “there are so many fish in the sea”, “have your tried online dating”, “maybe you are too picky”, “maybe this is the Lord’s way of calling you to religious life”….the list goes on. It literally takes all of my will power not to suckerpunch those people in the face. The pain of the lonely heart is real. I mean in Genesis it even says “It is not good for the man to be alone” IT IS NOT GOOD. We are not meant to dwell in loneliness. And loneliness in the single life can hurt a heck of a whole lot. Which somehow people who are in relationships can seem to forget as they sucker you as their single friend into 3^rd or 5^th wheeling for the hundredth time. It is hard, and it is alright that it hurts. You do not have to like being single all the time. 

I mean if the Lord has put a desire for marriage on your heart and it hurts in the waiting period for that desire to be fulfilled, that is ok. That is normal. I’d dare say healthy even.  But here’s the thing. Do not sit in that pain. Bring it to God repeatedly. I get sassy with God all the time, and I am blunt with him. I let him know that I am not ok with the waiting period and I pour out all the frustrations of my heart to him. But this year I also started a new thing, I started asking for the Lord to reveal his heart to me. God’s heart towards his children is so good. He sees us in our pain and meets us there. The pain is not forever, although it feels like it sometimes. The Lord has promised us happiness and he is always faithful to his word. We just might not find that happiness where we always thought we would.

I think a lot of single people including myself, especially those who have been single for years (that’s right 25 years single and going!) I oftentimes feel like the Lord is holding out on me because A) He has forgotten about me B) I didn’t do something right or C) He wants me to “learn a lesson” or suffer for some reason in my loneliness.  But guess what?! The Lord does not rejoice in our pain! No no no. He unites with us in the pain, but he does not delight in our suffering. He wants us to have joy and have it to the full, overflowing!

This overflowing joy can be found in the season of singleness. God wants us to encounter his Heart in every single moment of every single day.  The Lord actually desires to fulfill all the deepest desires of our hearts. Each day he fulfills so many desires and hopes that I did not even realize I had.  And you know what? A lot of the desires he has been fulfilling in the last few years could not have been fulfilled if I was not single and receptive to whatever the Lord called me to.

Here’s the thing my single friends. Stop focusing on the pain of singleness and start looking at all the wonderful things in your life. If you do not see many wonderful things, go do something amazing with your freedom and your time! Stop wallowing. Yes, acknowledge the pain and the yet to remain fulfilled desires, but go do something with your love! Go do mission work, or volunteer or go to dinner with another single friend. Get out there and live your life!

Also it is ok to get mad about being single. Feel free to tell the clichés to shut up and that being single is hard. But also don’t settle. God has an amazing plan for your life, so don’t miss it by settling. Seek after the Lord’s heart and he will give you abundant joy.

Stay classy my friends.