Verso l' Alto!

So, once upon a time I started blogging. Then, true to my millennial life I forgot all about it and got distracted with Netflix and my day to day life. Classic. However over the course of this past few weeks I have felt the urge to write a few thoughts and reflections from my heart in this juncture in my life.

 To start off- about a month ago I turned 26. Suffice to say I was not ready to become another year older and adjustment to being well into the onset of “real adulthood” reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I have hit all the milestones you can hit before you turn 30- legally can drink, I can rent a car etc… I have a job that is full of responsibility and it’s awesome. But to be honest with you I am not where I thought I would be when I was a little freshman in college. When I was but a wee undergrad I imagined that by 26 I would be settled into a permanent job, be part of parish, be married with at least one kid and oh yes, know exactly where my life was headed. LOL. Psych. That is not where I have ended up at 26. I have an awesome (yet transitional) job that I love- but yet again it’s transitional, I am not part of a parish (ok this one is probably my fault. I am definitely not married, have no kids and I have no idea where my life is headed. But you know what? I am so at peace and happy in this stage of my life.

Over this past month of being more than a year out of college and being 26 and finally putting a dent in those lovely college loans- I have been laughing at how little 17 year old me would have been terrified at knowing what the future held in these past few years. I never could have imagined living abroad doing youth ministry, getting my MA or any of the adventures the Lord has granted me. I never thought I wanted any of it. But in the midst of the surrender of my will these past few years the Lord has shown me true happiness and peace.

But to be real and honest with y’all who might be reading this, following the Lord’s will has also been a struggle. A struggle not so much in the sense that God is cruel and giving me things that are horrible. But that it is a real struggle to die to my selfish desires. Like really hard. Living life in ministry has taught me that I am a fearful and selfish person. The Lord wants to make me my best self so he is forming me into who I have always meant to be-and it hurts like hell.  Walking with Jesus isn’t like following a GPS with a step by step guide. But just taking it one day (sometimes one minute) at a time and being present to what the Lord presents to me in the moment, and choosing God in each moment.

 Recently I discovered this wonderful group called Sight and Sound. They bring Bible stories to life in a Broadway crosses Disney type musical show and it is awesome. The show I went to see was on the character of Samson. All I ever really knew about Samson before was that he struggled with women-and because of being seduced by Delilah broke his promise with God then he killed a bunch of Philistines. I never really cared about that story to be honest with you.  I always made fun of him and the only time I ever gave thought to Samson/Delilah is when I listen to one of my favorite comedians- Tim Hawkins and his “Hey There Delilah” parody. While entering into the story of Samson however, I was struck by how hard Samson struggled with the calling God had on his life. He was scared. He wanted a simple life. The Lord called him to greatness and he was afraid of it. He put his trust and found his solace in women that were not quite trustworthy and long story short he realizes in the midst of his failures that true happiness can only be found in following the Lord in all aspects of life.

One of the moments where I most related with Samson was the scene where he was at his father’s funeral. Samson is angry with God and his faith is shaken. He rebels against God and runs away. The grief in his heart was real and he did not let God into his wounded heart. Whereas his mother sings praises to God during the funeral and places her trust in God amidst the severe heartbreak. I thought about how much I run from God in so many ways on a daily basis. I too lost my dad about 5 years ago, and while the grief is not as hard now as it was in those first two years, the pain of this valley of tears is still quite real.

The Lord calls us to greatness and intimacy. Samson eventually got there, but boy did he struggle. Samson’s mother, while pain stricken found peace because she remained intimate with the Lord in the midst of her pain. The journey we call life is a constant pilgrimage towards our homeland in heaven. Each and every day we are presented with daily choices to choose God and allow him to carry us to greatness and deep intimacy or to run from Him. When I think of all the Lord can do with me and in me I am terrified because he is so great and I am so small. But who am I to deny God to do great things with me?

Basically, what I am getting at is the Lord calls us to be great of soul- to be heroes, saints! To climb to the heights like so many before us in the great cloud of witnesses! How great is our God eh? But you know what? It’s ok to be scared. Just as long as you do not dwell in that fear and run from Love. Perfect love casts out all fear. Samson ran and put his trust in a fading intimacy. The Lord found him in his brokenness and still did great things with him. So do not be discouraged if you have been running from the Lord, He is constantly there waiting for you.

Following Christ is unpredictable. I still suffer and carrying my cross is definitely difficult. I have no concrete five year plan.  Which terrifies me (I like solid plans and knowing what the future holds). But it’s ok. I have peace knowing that the Lord has a plan for my life and is leading me to be a great saint despite my kicking and screaming most days. In fact the Lord desires to do great things with me because I am just a “little one”. So be not afraid my friends, the Lord knows your littleness and will carry you to the heights. He always gives a Simon of Cyrene to help carry our cross (Simon just looks a little different for each person). Just let Jesus pick you up. Forget yourself and follow. Drop your nets and run! You are not alone. The Lord might surprise you not with what you always thought you wanted, but he will show you the deepest desires of your heart and he will fulfill all your deepest desires. Because He is our deepest desire.

Real Talk

Call me crazy, but this year I have discovered something about myself; I enjoy being single. Yep, that is right, I ENJOY being single. 

Now that doesn’t mean that I do not desire to be in a relationship and hopefully one day get married and have beautiful babies. But it does mean that I actually find joy in this particular season of my life. But let’s be real, being single can really suck. It isn’t all freedom and adventures. It’s a lot of Netflix binging, frozen pizza and diet coke alone in your apartment nights. It also is having a fridge full of save the dates and wedding invites with no hope of a plus one. The loneliness while waiting for “your life to start” can be overwhelming.

One of those lonely Netflix and frozen pizza nights I was overwhelmed with the desire for communion with others. Then I gave a pep talk to myself. I was isolating myself from communion. Just because I am single does not mean I have to be all on my own. No, I got up off my rear end and went in search of others. I went out and sought after loving others who also were feeling alone. And you know what? I found joy!

In the season of singleness I have found that there is a real temptation to feel all alone in the world. When all your friends have found significant others and suddenly you no longer have a place in their schedule or on their mind. It can hurt. But you know what? You have a choice. You can either feel sorry for yourself and have a pity party with my favorite pal Totino (Pizza) or you can get out there and search after other lonely hearts that want to encounter the love of God through you.

There have been so many times in the past couple years where I have thought life would just be easier if I just settled for a relationship with a guy that was “good enough” or who I could tolerate spending time with.  But I am sure glad I didn’t give into that. What stopped me? Well, I spent time really paying attention to the married couples and families around me and you know what I discovered? Marriage is freaking hard. Like really freaking hard. Kids are adorable yet require so much attention, and your spouse isn’t perfect and communication failure is a real thing. Marriage requires a whole lot of grace and the choice of who your spouse will be will determine your whole life.

One day when I was doing spiritual reading in college I came across an old homily in a magazine talking about marriage and the fate of the spouses. It read: Spouses will either be forever be joining uplifted hands praising God for all eternity or chained down in despair in the recesses of hell. Whoa. Talk about a sobering realization. The vocation of marriage is serious business and just settling for a spouse who I like well enough would be a dis service to myself, my spouse my kids and pretty much the whole world….

God’s heart for his children is so good. Like so so very very good. I have been reading Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Michael Gaitley this year and it has really opened my eyes to realize just how much the Lord desires the very best for his children. The Lord does not rejoice in the loneliness of the single heart.

Now disclaimer, I absolutely hate it when people who have been single all of a hot second and those who are happily married try and share the clichés that all single people receive: such as, “there are so many fish in the sea”, “have your tried online dating”, “maybe you are too picky”, “maybe this is the Lord’s way of calling you to religious life”….the list goes on. It literally takes all of my will power not to suckerpunch those people in the face. The pain of the lonely heart is real. I mean in Genesis it even says “It is not good for the man to be alone” IT IS NOT GOOD. We are not meant to dwell in loneliness. And loneliness in the single life can hurt a heck of a whole lot. Which somehow people who are in relationships can seem to forget as they sucker you as their single friend into 3^rd or 5^th wheeling for the hundredth time. It is hard, and it is alright that it hurts. You do not have to like being single all the time. 

I mean if the Lord has put a desire for marriage on your heart and it hurts in the waiting period for that desire to be fulfilled, that is ok. That is normal. I’d dare say healthy even.  But here’s the thing. Do not sit in that pain. Bring it to God repeatedly. I get sassy with God all the time, and I am blunt with him. I let him know that I am not ok with the waiting period and I pour out all the frustrations of my heart to him. But this year I also started a new thing, I started asking for the Lord to reveal his heart to me. God’s heart towards his children is so good. He sees us in our pain and meets us there. The pain is not forever, although it feels like it sometimes. The Lord has promised us happiness and he is always faithful to his word. We just might not find that happiness where we always thought we would.

I think a lot of single people including myself, especially those who have been single for years (that’s right 25 years single and going!) I oftentimes feel like the Lord is holding out on me because A) He has forgotten about me B) I didn’t do something right or C) He wants me to “learn a lesson” or suffer for some reason in my loneliness.  But guess what?! The Lord does not rejoice in our pain! No no no. He unites with us in the pain, but he does not delight in our suffering. He wants us to have joy and have it to the full, overflowing!

This overflowing joy can be found in the season of singleness. God wants us to encounter his Heart in every single moment of every single day.  The Lord actually desires to fulfill all the deepest desires of our hearts. Each day he fulfills so many desires and hopes that I did not even realize I had.  And you know what? A lot of the desires he has been fulfilling in the last few years could not have been fulfilled if I was not single and receptive to whatever the Lord called me to.

Here’s the thing my single friends. Stop focusing on the pain of singleness and start looking at all the wonderful things in your life. If you do not see many wonderful things, go do something amazing with your freedom and your time! Stop wallowing. Yes, acknowledge the pain and the yet to remain fulfilled desires, but go do something with your love! Go do mission work, or volunteer or go to dinner with another single friend. Get out there and live your life!

Also it is ok to get mad about being single. Feel free to tell the clichés to shut up and that being single is hard. But also don’t settle. God has an amazing plan for your life, so don’t miss it by settling. Seek after the Lord’s heart and he will give you abundant joy.

Stay classy my friends.