An Undivided Heart

Something that has always been a struggle for me is anxiety. Letting fear cripple me into chickening out on things and letting mole hills become insurmountable mountains. I spent my college years and my two years living as a missionary in Ireland focusing on overcoming fear and living for the Lord with a #yolo mentality (see previous post for more on that).  However, as I started grad school a year ago and got back into doing ministry this summer I realized that I still have much anxiety. Freaking out over new things and worrying if I was going to mess up, what if situations...While I powered through the freak outs- I remained puzzled as to why I had such anxiety. I brought it to prayer one night and I asked God what my deal was. The reply I got was that I had a lack of trust in the Lord and in his constant love for me.

I allowed my heart to become divided. The Lord was asking me for my WHOLE HEART. For my COMPLETE AND TOTAL TRUST. I however, gave many pieces of my heart to God and tried to pin them all together. I tried to convince myself that if I was all put together I could serve God better. I mean c'mon, God has so many hearts to heal that he could not possibly have time to deal with mine. I have my own safety pins after all so I could just pin the broken pieces together. Right? Wrong. I was serving God with a divided heart, because I knew that if I gave him it all I was not longer in control. So, I figured I would be more put together if I worked on things myself and gave God the bits that I was comfortable with. Dumb idea. Don't try this at home kids.

Here is the truth of the matter. God is Love. He delights in his children. The only thing that a divided heart can do is cause anxiety and stress. We are meant to give God our whole hearts, with all our hopes, desires, fears, insecurities and TRUST him with it. Here I was trying to serve the Lord and having unnecessary anxiety about things because I couldn't do it on my own and I wanted to. 

To give you an example of how I did this, last Valentine's Day I had a moment where I decided that I was tired of being single so I would take matters into my own hands and join a dating website. 

See, I was tired of being that single friend as I watched my friends get married and have babies. There is nothing wrong with dating websites, but my reasons were not centered on God's will and I was tired of the wait. Now before those of you who know me real well get super curious, nothing happened on the website. At all. I met a few nice people but the Lord kept putting restlessness and anxiety on my heart because I was acting out of distrust in his plan and trying to take matters into my own hands. I was becoming like Abraham's wife Sarah who tried ever so desperately to make God's promise of descendants happen her OWN way....and well we all know how that worked out. Can any one say super baby mama drama? Geez. If you don't know the story already, you should read up in Genesis- its a reality tv show worthy story. 

You see, I was trying to take matters into my own hands and dictate how my future was gonna go down. That just led to anxiety and stress on my end. So, let me tell you- TRUST IN THE LORD. Bloom where you are planted. See, I was so focused on where I wanted to be that I failed to see the amazing place I was already in! God desires us to be filled with joy-even in hard times. He delights in us and wants to renew our joy constantly so that it is always overflowing. So be where you are right now. Because, he has a plan and you are right where you are meant to be. If there is something on your heart that you so desperately want- talk to him about it and TRUST that He is doing what is ultimately the BEST THING EVER for you. Honestly, he is- why? Because He loves you with an EVERLASTING LOVE. So trust him and see what Divine Appointments he has in store for you right now that you have been missing out on. Life with God is an amazing adventure and He will do great things for you if you let him.  Live your life in the joy of the Gospel!

It will be hard, and there will be many crosses to bear. But the intimate love of God will always be the source of your joy if you trust him and give him your whole heart. NEVER GIVE UP on God- He never gives up on you. Give him your UNDIVIDED HEART.