Hope and Punching Fear in the FACE

I'm back to the blogging world! Sorry for the long hiatus, but this thing called Grad School usurps much time and energy.
Here we go...its almost finals and it has been a whirlwind of a semester. Between school work, resume writing, work, co-heading up a mission trip, and trying to have some semblance of a social life amidst my crazy, my time has been well accounted for.
It is also the first week of Advent! This is the week dedicated to the virtue of Hope. Hope is a virtue that I have been trying to work on for the past couple years, but most especially this semester.

Hope has been a rough virtue for me for the past couple years. Life has had a lot of major transitions and not all of them have been the smoothest. From living abroad-grad school-to loss of my Dad- preparing to graduate, life has been a bit of a roller coaster. I have never been good with the new and different, especially if its something I did not plan for. Since coming back to Franciscan, the Lord has very much been showing me how much I lack in the Hope department.
The miracle of my relationship with God is that no matter how much of a sassy butt I am to him, he constantly shows me his very constant and real presence. In the past couple years I have found that the biggest obstacle to Hope is my ever present companion called Fear.

Fear takes on many faces in life. Fear of the future, fear of missing out, fear of the unknown, fear of my potential, fear of God's intimate love for me. You name the fear I have probably faced it in some form. This semester has been a combo platter of them. Graduation is quickly approaching, and for the first time in my life I do not have the clearest idea of where I am meant to go next. Fear of God calling me to something incredibly out of comfort zone/fear that he will call me to stay somewhere that I did not choose...so many things.

Jesus and I had a few "real talks" about this this semester. In his patience I began to see that my greatest fault was my lack of trust. See, since my last of year of NET and being back at Franciscan- my problem solving, planning, coordinating, natural leader side has been developing and I have felt that I can do the whole tough it alone thing God! I have it all together!

Yep, I figured that the feminine genius would get me through. While, God has blessed me with many talents, I have begun to realize ever again that I do not have the answers and that this lack of trust in God's plan will not work for me. I can't just figure out my life on my own and handle all the transitions based on my strong will and personality. Hope. I need it. Hope stems from trust though. God wishes to take me on this amazing adventure called life and he wants to me my main man.

Here's the thing, for all that I know about myself, all that I am learning about God. I do not know everything. I barely even know the depths of my own heart. As other girls (or probably even the guys reading this) probably can relate to, sometimes I just feel sad/melancholic out of the blue. So weird. It is in those moments when I realize that I do not have the faintest clue how to navigate this life all by myself. I'm simply a grad student seeking to find what my heart is made for. Still single, no clue where in the world I am heading to next. And you know what? That is ok. I am here at Franciscan for a reason. Wherever I go next, God knows and he is asking me to have hope that what ever lies ahead of me is good.

Transitions in life are crazy. The bad ones can be like a sucker punch and the exciting ones can be like holding your breath for a little bit too long. Bad past experiences in new things, can cause one to feel cynical about the future. For me the transition of losing my Dad and leaving the Beloved Emerald Isle was a real heart stopper. Those experiences caused me to forget that God has my ultimate good in store. Advent is all about waiting in Hope for Joy! The Joy that is Jesus. Even though, life might be tough that doesn't mean that fear has to win.
PUNCH FEAR IN THE FACE.

Friendship has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. From undergrad here at Franciscan, to both of my amazing NET years, to my amazing group of friends I have here in grad school, Friendship has taught me a lot about hope. See, I have crazy friends who are super awesome. They teach me so much about joy and love. Especially, when I am a super un loveable person. I can be super critical and incredibly weird. My friends love me still and when I am that one weird friend, they show me that I am indeed worthy of love even if I do make weird noises, brainless comments and like to hang out and study at crazy hours.
Friendship is what helps us move towards God. When fear tries to knock you down, turn to Jesus. But also, ask your friends to intercede for you! This is what I love most about my friends. They pray for me and with me. Whenever I need them to. If you don't have friends like that, find some. Run with your friends towards Jesus. It's what your friendships should all be about.

For all the times that I think I am B.A. I keep being reminded that I am not. I am teasable, I am imperfect. I will fail and fall. But I will also fly and conquer all for Love. Keep close to your friends and make sure you are taking in reality checks that you aren't perfect. Falling happens. It's getting back up that matters. Face your fears friends.
The greatest things in my life have happened because I fought my fears and sought to live my dreams. Anything is possible for one who has faith in God. Even though things may be foggy and the future is unclear. God is in control and HE LOVES YOU. He gives us hopes and dreams for a reason and never ever give up on hope. Good things are in your life, and more good and glorious gifts are simply around the corner. God is ever wanting to bestow blessings upon us. We just need to be obedient and trusting children. Because even when bad things happen, God knows what is for our ultimate good in the big picture and he will lead us to what/whom/where we are meant for.
So pray for hope this week and trust that God is leading you from glory to glory. Love him and know his intimate love for you.

An Undivided Heart

Something that has always been a struggle for me is anxiety. Letting fear cripple me into chickening out on things and letting mole hills become insurmountable mountains. I spent my college years and my two years living as a missionary in Ireland focusing on overcoming fear and living for the Lord with a #yolo mentality (see previous post for more on that).  However, as I started grad school a year ago and got back into doing ministry this summer I realized that I still have much anxiety. Freaking out over new things and worrying if I was going to mess up, what if situations...While I powered through the freak outs- I remained puzzled as to why I had such anxiety. I brought it to prayer one night and I asked God what my deal was. The reply I got was that I had a lack of trust in the Lord and in his constant love for me.

I allowed my heart to become divided. The Lord was asking me for my WHOLE HEART. For my COMPLETE AND TOTAL TRUST. I however, gave many pieces of my heart to God and tried to pin them all together. I tried to convince myself that if I was all put together I could serve God better. I mean c'mon, God has so many hearts to heal that he could not possibly have time to deal with mine. I have my own safety pins after all so I could just pin the broken pieces together. Right? Wrong. I was serving God with a divided heart, because I knew that if I gave him it all I was not longer in control. So, I figured I would be more put together if I worked on things myself and gave God the bits that I was comfortable with. Dumb idea. Don't try this at home kids.

Here is the truth of the matter. God is Love. He delights in his children. The only thing that a divided heart can do is cause anxiety and stress. We are meant to give God our whole hearts, with all our hopes, desires, fears, insecurities and TRUST him with it. Here I was trying to serve the Lord and having unnecessary anxiety about things because I couldn't do it on my own and I wanted to. 

To give you an example of how I did this, last Valentine's Day I had a moment where I decided that I was tired of being single so I would take matters into my own hands and join a dating website. 

See, I was tired of being that single friend as I watched my friends get married and have babies. There is nothing wrong with dating websites, but my reasons were not centered on God's will and I was tired of the wait. Now before those of you who know me real well get super curious, nothing happened on the website. At all. I met a few nice people but the Lord kept putting restlessness and anxiety on my heart because I was acting out of distrust in his plan and trying to take matters into my own hands. I was becoming like Abraham's wife Sarah who tried ever so desperately to make God's promise of descendants happen her OWN way....and well we all know how that worked out. Can any one say super baby mama drama? Geez. If you don't know the story already, you should read up in Genesis- its a reality tv show worthy story. 

You see, I was trying to take matters into my own hands and dictate how my future was gonna go down. That just led to anxiety and stress on my end. So, let me tell you- TRUST IN THE LORD. Bloom where you are planted. See, I was so focused on where I wanted to be that I failed to see the amazing place I was already in! God desires us to be filled with joy-even in hard times. He delights in us and wants to renew our joy constantly so that it is always overflowing. So be where you are right now. Because, he has a plan and you are right where you are meant to be. If there is something on your heart that you so desperately want- talk to him about it and TRUST that He is doing what is ultimately the BEST THING EVER for you. Honestly, he is- why? Because He loves you with an EVERLASTING LOVE. So trust him and see what Divine Appointments he has in store for you right now that you have been missing out on. Life with God is an amazing adventure and He will do great things for you if you let him.  Live your life in the joy of the Gospel!

It will be hard, and there will be many crosses to bear. But the intimate love of God will always be the source of your joy if you trust him and give him your whole heart. NEVER GIVE UP on God- He never gives up on you. Give him your UNDIVIDED HEART.

YOLO

A phrase that I have heard a lot in my life is "While you are waiting on the Lord to open a door, praise him in the hallway!" I hate that phrase. so. much. Why? Because the hallway just feels like such a dumb place. Especially when there are so many doors all over! It just felt kind of mean, that God would shut all the doors and make me wait for an indefinite period of time in a hallway where I could do nothing. Wasn't I supposed to be using my time to make a difference? The hallway is so stinking boring. No way do I want to be stuck there. 

Now, to those of you who feel like I am over-reacting to a phrase that is so commonly used to "console" those who are stuck in the crossroads parts of life. Hear me out. I'm all about waiting on the Lord, but I am not all about the passive letting life just happen to you-while stating that this passivity is all about being a holy waiter on the Lord. You get me?

Discernment and waiting on the Lord is an ACTIVE process. Too often I think we allow the uncertainty of the Lord's will to become a free pass to being a passive disciple. Major Cop Out people. Now I know that a lot of people hate the phrase YOLO; but I LOVE IT. Why? Not because I think that since we should all live for pleasure, but because this life is our chance to be a light to the world and we should live every moment actively for the love of God. Imagine a world where every Catholic and Christian did not limit themselves to the hallways of life and ran through the doors-living lives without limits? Whoa. What a world that would be! Sometimes, I think we allow ourselves to become induced into an emotional coma when we are waiting for the Lord to reveal the next step. We are afraid of the desires on our hearts. We are afraid of living radical lives for Christ, so we remain in the hallway. 

 I used to live in the hallway of fear and indecision. I was quite comfortable there. Then I went on NET for two years and the Lord rocked my fearful, limited life in the hallway and dared me to open doors. It was petrifying because I actually had to take control over my life and act with parousia (holy boldness). I had to trust that the Lord would be with me outside of the comfort zone of my hallway. I had to learn how to live with my heart and not be afraid of what doors the Lord would ask me to walk through. Because of my yes, the Lord did radical things in and through me. I had to do things I was scared of, and trust people I barely knew. All for the sake of the Gospel. Like St. Peter, I had to step out of the boat and walk on the storming waters.
But here's the thing about walking on storming waters: You have got to focus on Jesus otherwise....

You will sink. 

YOLO. You only live once. This life is the one chance you get to live a radical life for Christ. Don't waste your life in the hallway of indecision and fear. Open doors! Walk on stormy seas. STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE! Do not doubt Christ. He will guide you through the doors and guide you out of the ones that you are not meant to go through. It's a scary adventure. But adventure is not about playing it safe. Adventure is all about facing your fears and fighting for the good. So I encourage you to fight for your dreams! Face your fears. You only have this life to fight for the Lord who fights for you constantly. So fight for him and open those doors. But, don't just open them, step out in faith. Do not live in fear and indecision. Make bold choices. Go forth and spread the Good News. You will never regret it. But, you will regret just standing in the hallway.

On Singleness, Studying and Trust.

So, I am new to the whole blogger life, so here it goes! Some of you may be asking, why are you going along with this fad of writing down your thoughts and musings for the world to see? Well, that is an EXCELLENT question. I decided to start writing on a blog 1) For kicks and giggles 2) Cause Rambling on a blog sounded quite interesting 3) Because I find authentic bloggers to be quite fascinating and interesting and I decided I wanted to be cool like them. In all seriousness though, I hope that my ramblings help other poor 20 somethings who are figuring out their life to find some solace in the knowledge that they aren't the only ones who are figuring life out.

So, when I was a young undergrad, I had an amazing plan for my life. Seriously, it was flawless. I was gonna meet Mr. Right when I was a sophomore (because lets face it, those freshman relationships don't usually last and who has time for that?) then we were gonna get real serious my junior year, and then I would get my "ring by spring" and get married right after graduation. Flawless. Perfect. Amazing. Right? 

Wrong, as my years in undergrad came to an end I realized that I was no way near ready to be a wife and mother. Don't get me wrong, I think young marriages are awesome. But, I also knew that being married in today's society is rough. So, I was totally cool with taking a year off to do mission work and then the Lord would show me my future spouse! 

Again, perfect plan! Except here's the thing with my perfect plan, I hadn't consulted the Lord about it. I am a pretty stubborn woman so the Lord had to break in and shake my world upside down. Through a series of events that I will delve into at a later time the Lord made it clear to me that I NEEDED him. That His plan was the ONLY thing that would bring me happiness and I needed to stop asking him to bless my plans and ask approval and start asking him to take over the Driver's seat to my life. 

Not gonna lie, letting go of the perfect plan to meet Mr. Right and get married and have lots of babies all before age 22 was pretty scary stuff. 

I am currently turning 24 and have never been in a serious relationship. Coming from an Alma Mater like Franciscan, that generally makes me feel like an old maid. Watching my classmates find their soulmates and have tons of adorable babies still makes me turn to the Lord and say "hey God, you wanna send me the memo?" However, each time I turn to the Lord and ask him to guide me, he truly does give me the desires of my heart. 

Even though I have never been kissed, been in a serious relationship or had any of that romantic stuff going on in my life; I have not missed out on the adventure that the Lord has put me on. 

You see, I could be bitter that I am almost 24 and still single. But, that would be a waste of my time. Because I decided to trust the Lord and not grasp after a half hearted relationship based of my need for a husband- He has led me to some amazing experiences that have formed my heart and made me realize how amazing the Lord's plan for my life is. 

I used to hate the verse "Delight in the Lord and he will grant you the desires of your heart." Because I always felt gipped.  I felt like the Lord was this vending machine that was rejecting my wrinkled delight dollar and accepting everyone else's. What was wrong with my delight? Was it too wrinkled? Did I need to add a couple cents? Why were my desires not being fulfilled?! Was the Lord not good?

The problem was not with my wrinkled delight dollar, the problem was that the Lord is NOT a vending machine. He is a person who desires to have an intimate, wholehearted relationship with me! He wants to take me on this romantic grand adventure of life that requires my trust. I have found that the more I delight in the Lord, the more the desire of my heart is for Him, not for some awesome guy who will put a ring on my finger by the springtime. 

So, practically this means that trusting the Lord will lead you to great and amazing things that at first may scare you but will fill your heart with deep peace. Because, I decided to let go of my MRS degree plans, the Lord took me to amazing places (Belgium, Austria, Ireland...) and he showed me who I am in His eyes. This also meant that he led me to grad school. Even though, I really hate the whole studying thing (student+dying=studying. enough said.) The past year has been full of blessings that I could never have imagined when I left mission work in the oh so amazing Emerald Isle to sit at a desk for HOURS and read and write. The Lord is making me into a woman into his own heart and He can only do that if I let him by letting go of my plans and letting him sweep me into the grand adventure of His plan. 

Basically, the moral of my blog story for the day is. Trust in the Lord, even if you have to live the life of a single, poor missionary or student for a while. Because, the Lord is starting a good work in you and will bring it to completion if you let him. 

 Keep Calm and Trust in the Lord. AMDG