An Undivided Heart

Something that has always been a struggle for me is anxiety. Letting fear cripple me into chickening out on things and letting mole hills become insurmountable mountains. I spent my college years and my two years living as a missionary in Ireland focusing on overcoming fear and living for the Lord with a #yolo mentality (see previous post for more on that).  However, as I started grad school a year ago and got back into doing ministry this summer I realized that I still have much anxiety. Freaking out over new things and worrying if I was going to mess up, what if situations...While I powered through the freak outs- I remained puzzled as to why I had such anxiety. I brought it to prayer one night and I asked God what my deal was. The reply I got was that I had a lack of trust in the Lord and in his constant love for me.

I allowed my heart to become divided. The Lord was asking me for my WHOLE HEART. For my COMPLETE AND TOTAL TRUST. I however, gave many pieces of my heart to God and tried to pin them all together. I tried to convince myself that if I was all put together I could serve God better. I mean c'mon, God has so many hearts to heal that he could not possibly have time to deal with mine. I have my own safety pins after all so I could just pin the broken pieces together. Right? Wrong. I was serving God with a divided heart, because I knew that if I gave him it all I was not longer in control. So, I figured I would be more put together if I worked on things myself and gave God the bits that I was comfortable with. Dumb idea. Don't try this at home kids.

Here is the truth of the matter. God is Love. He delights in his children. The only thing that a divided heart can do is cause anxiety and stress. We are meant to give God our whole hearts, with all our hopes, desires, fears, insecurities and TRUST him with it. Here I was trying to serve the Lord and having unnecessary anxiety about things because I couldn't do it on my own and I wanted to. 

To give you an example of how I did this, last Valentine's Day I had a moment where I decided that I was tired of being single so I would take matters into my own hands and join a dating website. 

See, I was tired of being that single friend as I watched my friends get married and have babies. There is nothing wrong with dating websites, but my reasons were not centered on God's will and I was tired of the wait. Now before those of you who know me real well get super curious, nothing happened on the website. At all. I met a few nice people but the Lord kept putting restlessness and anxiety on my heart because I was acting out of distrust in his plan and trying to take matters into my own hands. I was becoming like Abraham's wife Sarah who tried ever so desperately to make God's promise of descendants happen her OWN way....and well we all know how that worked out. Can any one say super baby mama drama? Geez. If you don't know the story already, you should read up in Genesis- its a reality tv show worthy story. 

You see, I was trying to take matters into my own hands and dictate how my future was gonna go down. That just led to anxiety and stress on my end. So, let me tell you- TRUST IN THE LORD. Bloom where you are planted. See, I was so focused on where I wanted to be that I failed to see the amazing place I was already in! God desires us to be filled with joy-even in hard times. He delights in us and wants to renew our joy constantly so that it is always overflowing. So be where you are right now. Because, he has a plan and you are right where you are meant to be. If there is something on your heart that you so desperately want- talk to him about it and TRUST that He is doing what is ultimately the BEST THING EVER for you. Honestly, he is- why? Because He loves you with an EVERLASTING LOVE. So trust him and see what Divine Appointments he has in store for you right now that you have been missing out on. Life with God is an amazing adventure and He will do great things for you if you let him.  Live your life in the joy of the Gospel!

It will be hard, and there will be many crosses to bear. But the intimate love of God will always be the source of your joy if you trust him and give him your whole heart. NEVER GIVE UP on God- He never gives up on you. Give him your UNDIVIDED HEART.

YOLO

A phrase that I have heard a lot in my life is "While you are waiting on the Lord to open a door, praise him in the hallway!" I hate that phrase. so. much. Why? Because the hallway just feels like such a dumb place. Especially when there are so many doors all over! It just felt kind of mean, that God would shut all the doors and make me wait for an indefinite period of time in a hallway where I could do nothing. Wasn't I supposed to be using my time to make a difference? The hallway is so stinking boring. No way do I want to be stuck there. 

Now, to those of you who feel like I am over-reacting to a phrase that is so commonly used to "console" those who are stuck in the crossroads parts of life. Hear me out. I'm all about waiting on the Lord, but I am not all about the passive letting life just happen to you-while stating that this passivity is all about being a holy waiter on the Lord. You get me?

Discernment and waiting on the Lord is an ACTIVE process. Too often I think we allow the uncertainty of the Lord's will to become a free pass to being a passive disciple. Major Cop Out people. Now I know that a lot of people hate the phrase YOLO; but I LOVE IT. Why? Not because I think that since we should all live for pleasure, but because this life is our chance to be a light to the world and we should live every moment actively for the love of God. Imagine a world where every Catholic and Christian did not limit themselves to the hallways of life and ran through the doors-living lives without limits? Whoa. What a world that would be! Sometimes, I think we allow ourselves to become induced into an emotional coma when we are waiting for the Lord to reveal the next step. We are afraid of the desires on our hearts. We are afraid of living radical lives for Christ, so we remain in the hallway. 

 I used to live in the hallway of fear and indecision. I was quite comfortable there. Then I went on NET for two years and the Lord rocked my fearful, limited life in the hallway and dared me to open doors. It was petrifying because I actually had to take control over my life and act with parousia (holy boldness). I had to trust that the Lord would be with me outside of the comfort zone of my hallway. I had to learn how to live with my heart and not be afraid of what doors the Lord would ask me to walk through. Because of my yes, the Lord did radical things in and through me. I had to do things I was scared of, and trust people I barely knew. All for the sake of the Gospel. Like St. Peter, I had to step out of the boat and walk on the storming waters.
But here's the thing about walking on storming waters: You have got to focus on Jesus otherwise....

You will sink. 

YOLO. You only live once. This life is the one chance you get to live a radical life for Christ. Don't waste your life in the hallway of indecision and fear. Open doors! Walk on stormy seas. STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE! Do not doubt Christ. He will guide you through the doors and guide you out of the ones that you are not meant to go through. It's a scary adventure. But adventure is not about playing it safe. Adventure is all about facing your fears and fighting for the good. So I encourage you to fight for your dreams! Face your fears. You only have this life to fight for the Lord who fights for you constantly. So fight for him and open those doors. But, don't just open them, step out in faith. Do not live in fear and indecision. Make bold choices. Go forth and spread the Good News. You will never regret it. But, you will regret just standing in the hallway.