Holy Boldness

Your life is not your own.

Let those words sink in.

St Paul said "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain". I have been reflecting on this for the past few weeks and all that it implies. The life of Fr. Michael Scanlan (if you have not heard of him look him up- what a man) has particularly been on my heart in the past few weeks in regards to this verse. Growing up in Steubenville OH and attending Franciscan University, I had the most undeserved blessing to encounter the holy boldness of Fr Mike. Fr Mike followed Christ no matter the cost. He did not let fear stop him from following the light unflinchingly.

Fr Mike Scanlan's life impacted so many people. Not just because he was a dynamic preacher or so gifted but because he recognized that his life was not his own. Because he renounced a spirit of fear to follow the Holy Spirit in boldness- countless lives were/are still being impacted. His life and the lives of so many others intimidate me. I was indeed blessed to grow up near such a profound example of holiness. But the feelings of smallness, inadequacy and unworthiness are a big part of my life. God calls us all to live lives of holy boldness and to change the world, but it is terrifying.

My whole life I have been a very shy and overly cautious person. You know the little girl that hid behind her Mom when meeting new people? The kid that never talked in class? Yea that was me. I remember one time when I started at a new school that I was shaking from fear so badly that I just fell down on the floor in the middle of math class. I'm the kid that when faced with fear either throws up, runs away or just blacks out/freezes- or a combo of all of that. Then the Lord called me to serve him in youth ministry here in the great state (country?) of Texas.

Following the Lord is the greatest adventure. But for a naturally non adventurous person, I have wrestled with the Lord alot about this life of living in holy boldness. A few months ago I asked some mentors for prayers as I was about to start this new chapter of life in Texas. I shared with this group of mentors how excited yet terrified and bewildered I was to follow the Lord into this unknown. They kept praying for me to have confidence and I laughed to myself because I had no confidence in who I was. I kept picturing all the fear and worry that plagued my heart. But then a priest prayed with me and he prayed that I would have confidence in God and not myself. And then the classic light bulb moment happened.

We can do NOTHING apart from God. If I live my life on my own, focusing on my own talents and confidence- well nothing can possibly be good in that. But if I give myself completely to God he takes over. And God can do ALL things. In that moment I began to understand what it meant to be bold. See, being bold isn't about being the most choleric extrovert who is constantly sure of themselves (of which I am naturally the opposite), it is about being one with God.

Fall in love with God. He will fill you with confidence and courage in the profound knowledge that you are not your own. That you are never alone. I believe that Fr Mike like so many others who preceded and inspired him lived lives of Holy Boldness because their life was now Christ's. Their confidence did not come from their gifts but from their radical and intimate relationship with God who filled them with a fire of love that could not be tamed.

Does that scare you? It definitely scares me. Losing control and predictability and comfort is not the natural way of my little hobbit heart. But the more I follow God in this life with each yes and step into the terrifying unknown the more I am completely astounded by His Glory. God wants to change the world and work wonders through me. Not because of how gifted I am, or how awesome I am but simply because He wants to take me on a grand adventure.

If you, like me, struggle with the idea of Holy Boldness and allowing Christ to do whatever He wants in your life, it is ok. Take it one step at a time. Be real and honest with God in prayer. This past weekend I was in Adoration and just wept because I was so homesick for familiarity and being known. But as I dried my tears, Christ walked by and comforted me. God wants to magnify my life for his glory so that the life I live now may bring others to Heaven.

So, this life- it really isn't about you. If you focus so much on yourself and what you think will make you happy- you will miss the joy God is placing before you. So if you are like St. Peter- sinking amidst the waves, reach out to Christ and let him pull you up to walk with him on top of the waves. God desires you. Give him your whole heart and let him lead you. Trust. Hope. and Be filled with Joy and Holy Boldness.

Hoping When the Other Shoe Drops

Wow. Another blog post so soon Mary? Yea. I know. I really have not blogged very much ever but the Lord strongly put it on my heart to continue talking about the topic of Hope that I started in my last post.

Today is the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows. I always struggle with this feast because I really dislike sorrow and suffering. I hate crying. Hate. It. I especially hate weeping- mostly because when you are truly weeping you cannot stop. Now, I know most girls love to have a good cry-but I am not one of them. I prefer laughter and dry wit. But over the past few years crying has been a constant in my prayer life.

As I was reflecting on Hope in suffering I thought about the difficult choice that it is to continue hoping even when faced with your greatest fear coming true. When the other shoe really does drop. We have all experienced this feeling in some capacity- be it in small ways such as disappointment-not getting your dream job/crush/home/car/grade. Or in big ways- Being diagnosed with cancer, grieving the loss of a loved one, being faced with tragedy or rejection. We have all experienced that awful moment where your stomach drops and your heart breaks or shatters.

On February 21 2012 I experienced the worst sorrow I have experienced so far in my life. My Dad, who meant so much to me died suddenly of a severe heart attack. I was in another country at the time doing missionary work. My world fell apart. I felt betrayed, alone, completely and utterly at a loss for words, thoughts...I will never forget that feeling. I had to remember to physically just breathe. The feeling when you start crying so hard and you do not think you could ever stop and you crumple into a ball and forget your surroundings. The past 6 years since that day have been filled with the hardest prayer times I have ever had. And you know what stinks? There is more suffering to come.

My life has become a journey of rediscovering joy- joy that is only found in hope. The truth is that we live in a valley of tears- and life here on earth is never going to be all sunshine and roses. You struggling with this? Yea, me too. I find that whenever I am in those prayer times where my heart is shattered and the only prayer I can muster is Jesus help me- amidst deep sobs- all I want to do is run away.

We remedy suffering and sorrow with distractions don't we? I know I do. Binge watching Parks and Rec on Netflix instead of facing my sorrow? You betcha. Hide in the corner during prayer planning out my next ministry event instead of gazing into the eyes of Jesus, whose love and compassion pierces my soul like a knife? Yep.

But Hope and Joy cannot be found even in the midst of the most awesome sitcom. I love watching hours of the Office and escaping from reality. But after those distractions have faded- I am left alone and sitting in my sorrow.

Jesus and his Mother did not run from suffering. They embraced it for the sake of Love. See, God works miracles through our deepest wounds. One of my favorite Scripture passages is when Jesus weeps at the tomb of Lazarus. Jesus wept. Let that sink in.

 Jesus felt that deep heart pain. Our Lady? She lost her earthly husband and then watched on as her Son was beaten and crucified in front of her. That is deep suffering. Rejection, loss, disappointment. God did not avoid suffering when He became man. He ran to it because in that suffering Salvation was offered and Hope was found.

God works all things for our good. I never thought that my Dad's death would bring about good things. But over the past few years God has used my suffering to bring hope to others. I have been given the amazing opportunity countless times to enter into the suffering of others through my own wounds of loss and rejection. Joy has been born out of my suffering in ways that baffle me on the daily. We may live in the valley of tears- but we are on a journey home to Heaven where all our wounds that we have given to Christ will become jewels in our Heavenly crown. That is where our Hope is found. We look at the Cross and we know that we each must face our Good Friday. Good Friday however, is not the end of the story. Easter happened. Christ rose and conquered evil. Christ becomes intimate with us in our suffering-because in carrying out crosses and being crucified with him we enter into real relationship with him. Then he shall raise us up to the fulfillment of all Joy that can only be found in him. We are called to greatness and to glory-but the road to glory is a battle.

Choose Jesus. Yes, your heart will be shattered, you will face rejection, loss and pain. But you do not do so alone. Jesus is so very present in it. We HOPE for what we cannot see. The joy of Heaven. God will use your suffering to accomplish miracles-if only instead of hiding your wounds you walk alongside Christ as you carry your cross. He will give you your Simon of Cyrene to help you carry the cross if only you ask.

Trust in God friends. He wants to use you for epic purposes. I pray that you allow God to use you in your sufferings. Do not be afraid to step out into the deep. Jesus is calling.

AMDG

Daring to Hope

Hope. Having Hope is dang hard. St. Padre Pio has a quote that I just love/struggle with and that is "Pray, Hope and do not Worry". Well, since moving to Texas the Lord and I have had some rough one on one time. Y'know those prayer times that start out awesome? Like you are sitting in Church and you are thinking "Wow Lord. Life is good. I've gone through alot of healing and well following you is just the best." Then you and God are silent for a while and then He shows you your heart. You know- that part of it you haven't looked at in a while with that wound you thought had healed? Well- as you look at that part of your heart you notice that it is still bleeding. That wound has reopened and you want to run far from that messy pain. But then you make eye contact with Jesus and his gaze of love just traps you there.

I have been realizing lately that I really struggle with hoping and trusting in the Lord's will for my life. When everything is going well and I can see the road ahead-all is well. But when I cannot see what the Lord is doing and I realize just how not in control I am of my life. I freak out. When I was in prayer the other day this really bothered me. I realized that this lack of trust was a major roadblock for being a good youth minister (that's right I thought more about how it effected my ministry then my relationship with God-I'm flawed y'all and its ok).

So God and I had a chat. I prayed for Hope and God asked me why I didn't trust Him. I feigned ignorance since I clearly did not want to talk about the wounds that caused pain. Ignorance is bliss right? Then I sat in the silence as God just looked at me and loved me as He always does. Then I admitted what I was afraid of. I live in fear because I did not think that God loves me enough to grant me the desires of my heart. I struggle very much with feeling worthy of love. I can look at my teens, peers, parishioners, random strangers and see how very much God loves them and how they are so very deserving of love. But for myself? No way. I mean come on- I am selfish, egotistical hot mess most if not all of the time. How could God love me so much that He would give me the greatest gifts? Call me to greatness? Make me a saint? Fulfill even the tiniest desires of my heart? No way. I am too awkward, weird, soft-spoken...the excuse list can go on for miles and miles. But God loves me. I AM LOVEABLE.

Why is it so hard to allow the Lord to love us? Why is it so painful to be seen and loved? Why in moments of pure joy does my heart become tense- waiting for the other shoe to drop? Why can I not live in joyful hope? Simple answer? Because I do not fully believe with my whole heart that God deeply loves me.
I have come to the realization that Hope stems from Love. We cannot hope and trust in God and his will for our lives if we fail to let Him love us. So often I believe the lie that one day God is just going to have enough of me and decide I am not worthy (because I am not worthy). I worry that one day God is going to realize just how much of lost weirdo little sheep I am and not want to pursue my heart. That He will let me remain lost and get attacked by wolves with no hope of a happy ending.
This is all not the heart of God towards me. God DELIGHTS in me. He is CONSTANTLY pursuing my heart. When I finally opened up to God about this I could literally feel the sadness in His heart. He wants only what is best for me. God desires me totally and fully. True- I still have my crosses. But God NEVER ABANDONS his children. God deeply desires the best for us and works EVERYTHING for our good. Holy. Freaking. Cow.

Not everything I think I want is for my own good. So when I do not get things how I want, or things happen that hurt me- I think wow God hates me. He has finally seen me as a little bugger who deserves to suffer. But y'all-no. God does not delight in the suffering of his children. My suffering breaks his heart. But like the Good Good Father that He is- He holds me and remains with me in that suffering. Do not believe me? Look at a crucifix and gaze into the face of Christ who would rather die a most painful death then live one second with you believing that He hates you.
Truth be told my brothers and sisters- God is good. So. Good. He loves us beyond imagining and works all things for our good.

Dare to Hope. If you remain trapped in your fear and the wounds that prevent from you from seeing and believing in God's love for you- You will never fly on the wings of Hope. Life is a fight and journey that is hard. For me I find it so incredibly difficult to keep persevering in suffering. The wounds of being hurt, unloved and abandonment plague me daily. But God does not run away from my bleeding little heart. He takes it in his hands and kisses it with the deepest love and affection.
If you are in a rough place right now, let the Lord love you. Let Him draw you close and kiss your bleeding little heart. If you are in a good place right now- praise God! Do not forget to remain focused on Jesus who walks this road with you. Cling to the Sacraments and Jesus who remains in the tabernacle 24/7 for you.
Lastly- ask for prayers. Be vulnerable. No one has their life together. Be real with others and find friends to cheer you on and pray for you. Know that you do not walk alone. Not ever.
May Mama Mary wrap you tightly in her mantle.

AMDG

Whatever God Wants

Hello! I am back to the blogging world! I have put it off for a long while-simply because life has been a bit of a whirlwind.
So- when I was in undergrad I joined this household at Franciscan whose motto was "Whatever God Wants" Our whole devotion was complete surrender to the will of God through the example of the "fiats" of the Holy Family. Awesome right? Yea, I think so too.
Well- my whole life I have been a 5 year plan kind of girl. Like having a plan and a backup plan gives me peace and a sense of control. Obvi. Well, long story short- I am not in control. God is. I wish I could tell you that the prayer of my heart is always this profound joy that God is in control and that giving him the desires of my heart were simple and super easy. But, honestly, the prayer of my heart (especially in the past few years) has been more of a "God-what the ***** are you doing?!"

Yep. There you have it. The honest raw prayer of a little-wants total control heart.
See, life with Christ is a wonderful adventure- honestly and truly. But my heart is like a combo of a little child and a peaceful loving hobbit. A little two year old child that just wants what she wants and if the responsible loving parent disagrees that touching the cool orange hot stove is not a good idea or that eating an entire box of cookies for dinner is not either, well- then tantrum time it must be. A hobbit in the sense that I don't want any adventures. I like to stay in my comfort zone with a nice warm fire with all my favorite foods stored in the pantry- thank you very much. No parties of dwarves and fights with dragons and whatnot to ruin my peace and security. See life is predictable in the Shire. I like predictable.

Then here comes God like Gandalf in the Hobbit- looking for Bilbo to share in the grand adventure that will help Bilbo discover who he is and what he is capable of.



Much like Gandalf kinda tricks Bilbo into the adventure of a lifetime- God has been duping me my whole life. When I made the decision years ago to let God do whatever he wants in my life- I had no idea that he would take me seriously. I thought it was just a pious gesture. Then God started doing amazing things that were beyond my wildest imagination. I began to experience a peace and a joy that no amount of warm fires and fully stocked pantries could bring. I began to feel the thrill of adventure. Of conquering dragons of fear and climbing the mountains of solitude and unforeseen friendships.



For those of you who do not personally know me- these past few years have been a whirlwind- from missionary life to grad school to being a RD it was crazy. Then this past year just when I thought life was becoming predictable again, the Lord told me to move to Texas. I wish I could tell you that I immediately obeyed- but I told the Lord no.


As I sit here (having now been in Texas a whole month now) I am laughing at my utter stupidity. See, when the Lord put Texas on my heart and told good friends to tell me to pray about moving here. I got scared. See I knew (still really do not know) nothing about Texas. But I knew that when God put Texas on my heart that He had big plans for me. And I was afraid. So I hid myself (sound familiar? Check the book of Genesis where Adam and Eve feared God and so they hid--> didn't work out well).


Texas began to grow on my heart- but I still fought God about it. I mean, it was not close to my family, I knew nothing of the culture, and well I had never even visited Texas, so how possibly could I MOVE THERE?! But I told God that if it was his will- to make it abundantly clear. That was a dangerous prayer. He took me up on that offer. All of the sudden doors to jobs in places I thought I wanted to go- closed. Jobs that were offered suddenly became unavailable. I was mad and confused because I thought I knew what was best for me. Then God brought me to the right parish in Texas (that honestly I cannot remember applying for-even though I know I did). When I visited the parish I found the most profound peace and joy that I had not found anywhere else. So I said yes Lord, whatever you want.


This past month of living in Texas has been crazy. Hurricane Harvey showed up mere weeks after I moved and many times I feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities and blessings the Lord has poured into my life. I can honestly say that my life looks nothing like I planned it to be. But, I can honestly truly tell you that I have never been so filled with joy and peace in saying yes to the adventure God has brought me along for.



God calls us out of our personal Shires so go out on dangerous business. To go on adventures to slay dragons and bring hope to those who have forgotten how to. The Life God wants for you might be nothing like the life you thought you dreamed of, and that is okay. What I have been learning is that God's plans for me are beyond my imaginable desires. He knows how to lead me to where I need to be in order to live the life I was destined to live. All he needs is permission. I pray that as you read this that you give the Lord permission to ruin your plans. Because what God has in store for you is adventure and happiness beyond your wildest imagination! It's okay to be scared. But do not hide from God. He is good, and he is trustworthy.

In the last words I ever received from my earthly father: "God has promised us happiness and he is always faithful to his word"
Say yes to God today. He has amazing things in store for you- do not let fear stop you from your adventure.

Verso l' Alto!

So, once upon a time I started blogging. Then, true to my millennial life I forgot all about it and got distracted with Netflix and my day to day life. Classic. However over the course of this past few weeks I have felt the urge to write a few thoughts and reflections from my heart in this juncture in my life.

 To start off- about a month ago I turned 26. Suffice to say I was not ready to become another year older and adjustment to being well into the onset of “real adulthood” reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I have hit all the milestones you can hit before you turn 30- legally can drink, I can rent a car etc… I have a job that is full of responsibility and it’s awesome. But to be honest with you I am not where I thought I would be when I was a little freshman in college. When I was but a wee undergrad I imagined that by 26 I would be settled into a permanent job, be part of parish, be married with at least one kid and oh yes, know exactly where my life was headed. LOL. Psych. That is not where I have ended up at 26. I have an awesome (yet transitional) job that I love- but yet again it’s transitional, I am not part of a parish (ok this one is probably my fault. I am definitely not married, have no kids and I have no idea where my life is headed. But you know what? I am so at peace and happy in this stage of my life.

Over this past month of being more than a year out of college and being 26 and finally putting a dent in those lovely college loans- I have been laughing at how little 17 year old me would have been terrified at knowing what the future held in these past few years. I never could have imagined living abroad doing youth ministry, getting my MA or any of the adventures the Lord has granted me. I never thought I wanted any of it. But in the midst of the surrender of my will these past few years the Lord has shown me true happiness and peace.

But to be real and honest with y’all who might be reading this, following the Lord’s will has also been a struggle. A struggle not so much in the sense that God is cruel and giving me things that are horrible. But that it is a real struggle to die to my selfish desires. Like really hard. Living life in ministry has taught me that I am a fearful and selfish person. The Lord wants to make me my best self so he is forming me into who I have always meant to be-and it hurts like hell.  Walking with Jesus isn’t like following a GPS with a step by step guide. But just taking it one day (sometimes one minute) at a time and being present to what the Lord presents to me in the moment, and choosing God in each moment.

 Recently I discovered this wonderful group called Sight and Sound. They bring Bible stories to life in a Broadway crosses Disney type musical show and it is awesome. The show I went to see was on the character of Samson. All I ever really knew about Samson before was that he struggled with women-and because of being seduced by Delilah broke his promise with God then he killed a bunch of Philistines. I never really cared about that story to be honest with you.  I always made fun of him and the only time I ever gave thought to Samson/Delilah is when I listen to one of my favorite comedians- Tim Hawkins and his “Hey There Delilah” parody. While entering into the story of Samson however, I was struck by how hard Samson struggled with the calling God had on his life. He was scared. He wanted a simple life. The Lord called him to greatness and he was afraid of it. He put his trust and found his solace in women that were not quite trustworthy and long story short he realizes in the midst of his failures that true happiness can only be found in following the Lord in all aspects of life.

One of the moments where I most related with Samson was the scene where he was at his father’s funeral. Samson is angry with God and his faith is shaken. He rebels against God and runs away. The grief in his heart was real and he did not let God into his wounded heart. Whereas his mother sings praises to God during the funeral and places her trust in God amidst the severe heartbreak. I thought about how much I run from God in so many ways on a daily basis. I too lost my dad about 5 years ago, and while the grief is not as hard now as it was in those first two years, the pain of this valley of tears is still quite real.

The Lord calls us to greatness and intimacy. Samson eventually got there, but boy did he struggle. Samson’s mother, while pain stricken found peace because she remained intimate with the Lord in the midst of her pain. The journey we call life is a constant pilgrimage towards our homeland in heaven. Each and every day we are presented with daily choices to choose God and allow him to carry us to greatness and deep intimacy or to run from Him. When I think of all the Lord can do with me and in me I am terrified because he is so great and I am so small. But who am I to deny God to do great things with me?

Basically, what I am getting at is the Lord calls us to be great of soul- to be heroes, saints! To climb to the heights like so many before us in the great cloud of witnesses! How great is our God eh? But you know what? It’s ok to be scared. Just as long as you do not dwell in that fear and run from Love. Perfect love casts out all fear. Samson ran and put his trust in a fading intimacy. The Lord found him in his brokenness and still did great things with him. So do not be discouraged if you have been running from the Lord, He is constantly there waiting for you.

Following Christ is unpredictable. I still suffer and carrying my cross is definitely difficult. I have no concrete five year plan.  Which terrifies me (I like solid plans and knowing what the future holds). But it’s ok. I have peace knowing that the Lord has a plan for my life and is leading me to be a great saint despite my kicking and screaming most days. In fact the Lord desires to do great things with me because I am just a “little one”. So be not afraid my friends, the Lord knows your littleness and will carry you to the heights. He always gives a Simon of Cyrene to help carry our cross (Simon just looks a little different for each person). Just let Jesus pick you up. Forget yourself and follow. Drop your nets and run! You are not alone. The Lord might surprise you not with what you always thought you wanted, but he will show you the deepest desires of your heart and he will fulfill all your deepest desires. Because He is our deepest desire.

Real Talk

Call me crazy, but this year I have discovered something about myself; I enjoy being single. Yep, that is right, I ENJOY being single. 

Now that doesn’t mean that I do not desire to be in a relationship and hopefully one day get married and have beautiful babies. But it does mean that I actually find joy in this particular season of my life. But let’s be real, being single can really suck. It isn’t all freedom and adventures. It’s a lot of Netflix binging, frozen pizza and diet coke alone in your apartment nights. It also is having a fridge full of save the dates and wedding invites with no hope of a plus one. The loneliness while waiting for “your life to start” can be overwhelming.

One of those lonely Netflix and frozen pizza nights I was overwhelmed with the desire for communion with others. Then I gave a pep talk to myself. I was isolating myself from communion. Just because I am single does not mean I have to be all on my own. No, I got up off my rear end and went in search of others. I went out and sought after loving others who also were feeling alone. And you know what? I found joy!

In the season of singleness I have found that there is a real temptation to feel all alone in the world. When all your friends have found significant others and suddenly you no longer have a place in their schedule or on their mind. It can hurt. But you know what? You have a choice. You can either feel sorry for yourself and have a pity party with my favorite pal Totino (Pizza) or you can get out there and search after other lonely hearts that want to encounter the love of God through you.

There have been so many times in the past couple years where I have thought life would just be easier if I just settled for a relationship with a guy that was “good enough” or who I could tolerate spending time with.  But I am sure glad I didn’t give into that. What stopped me? Well, I spent time really paying attention to the married couples and families around me and you know what I discovered? Marriage is freaking hard. Like really freaking hard. Kids are adorable yet require so much attention, and your spouse isn’t perfect and communication failure is a real thing. Marriage requires a whole lot of grace and the choice of who your spouse will be will determine your whole life.

One day when I was doing spiritual reading in college I came across an old homily in a magazine talking about marriage and the fate of the spouses. It read: Spouses will either be forever be joining uplifted hands praising God for all eternity or chained down in despair in the recesses of hell. Whoa. Talk about a sobering realization. The vocation of marriage is serious business and just settling for a spouse who I like well enough would be a dis service to myself, my spouse my kids and pretty much the whole world….

God’s heart for his children is so good. Like so so very very good. I have been reading Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Michael Gaitley this year and it has really opened my eyes to realize just how much the Lord desires the very best for his children. The Lord does not rejoice in the loneliness of the single heart.

Now disclaimer, I absolutely hate it when people who have been single all of a hot second and those who are happily married try and share the clichés that all single people receive: such as, “there are so many fish in the sea”, “have your tried online dating”, “maybe you are too picky”, “maybe this is the Lord’s way of calling you to religious life”….the list goes on. It literally takes all of my will power not to suckerpunch those people in the face. The pain of the lonely heart is real. I mean in Genesis it even says “It is not good for the man to be alone” IT IS NOT GOOD. We are not meant to dwell in loneliness. And loneliness in the single life can hurt a heck of a whole lot. Which somehow people who are in relationships can seem to forget as they sucker you as their single friend into 3^rd or 5^th wheeling for the hundredth time. It is hard, and it is alright that it hurts. You do not have to like being single all the time. 

I mean if the Lord has put a desire for marriage on your heart and it hurts in the waiting period for that desire to be fulfilled, that is ok. That is normal. I’d dare say healthy even.  But here’s the thing. Do not sit in that pain. Bring it to God repeatedly. I get sassy with God all the time, and I am blunt with him. I let him know that I am not ok with the waiting period and I pour out all the frustrations of my heart to him. But this year I also started a new thing, I started asking for the Lord to reveal his heart to me. God’s heart towards his children is so good. He sees us in our pain and meets us there. The pain is not forever, although it feels like it sometimes. The Lord has promised us happiness and he is always faithful to his word. We just might not find that happiness where we always thought we would.

I think a lot of single people including myself, especially those who have been single for years (that’s right 25 years single and going!) I oftentimes feel like the Lord is holding out on me because A) He has forgotten about me B) I didn’t do something right or C) He wants me to “learn a lesson” or suffer for some reason in my loneliness.  But guess what?! The Lord does not rejoice in our pain! No no no. He unites with us in the pain, but he does not delight in our suffering. He wants us to have joy and have it to the full, overflowing!

This overflowing joy can be found in the season of singleness. God wants us to encounter his Heart in every single moment of every single day.  The Lord actually desires to fulfill all the deepest desires of our hearts. Each day he fulfills so many desires and hopes that I did not even realize I had.  And you know what? A lot of the desires he has been fulfilling in the last few years could not have been fulfilled if I was not single and receptive to whatever the Lord called me to.

Here’s the thing my single friends. Stop focusing on the pain of singleness and start looking at all the wonderful things in your life. If you do not see many wonderful things, go do something amazing with your freedom and your time! Stop wallowing. Yes, acknowledge the pain and the yet to remain fulfilled desires, but go do something with your love! Go do mission work, or volunteer or go to dinner with another single friend. Get out there and live your life!

Also it is ok to get mad about being single. Feel free to tell the clichés to shut up and that being single is hard. But also don’t settle. God has an amazing plan for your life, so don’t miss it by settling. Seek after the Lord’s heart and he will give you abundant joy.

Stay classy my friends. 

Adulting, Chocolate and Trust in the Impending Quarter Life Crisis

I did it! I completed Grad School with flying colors and only needed about a month of sleep to recover. It was a crazy last few months. Tests, papers and resume building, all the while trying to maintain some semblance of a social life. (sorry love life, had to ditch you, pick you up later).

I learned alot in my last semester of school. One, anything is possible with dedication, good friends, and constant work. The last semester of of graduate school is a beast. Exit exams, papers and such....oh my. All of the sudden, Graduation happens and all of the all nighters, tears, and caffeine highs pay off in a single piece of paper that states that you have earned a Master's degree.

The next few weeks after graduation became a bit of a blur.  The piece of paper was like permission to have my brain check out. Especially with time off before starting my new job, I finally had the time to just chill and reflect. It was then I realized that I finally had completed school. There was no need to further on my education. PhD was never in my dreams, and job wise all I ever really wanted for credentials was an MA. This led to a crazy understanding that I would never HAVE to sit in a classroom and sweat out a GPA upgrade again. I was a true adult who was now hired for an adult job on a payroll! Whoa. Grab the Chocolate and celebrate.

Then I got the email from Great Lakes, the debt must be paid. And then it hit me, Adult life has really begun and school was the easiest part. Now, the expectations of an alost 25 year old, is to pay off debt, settle down and get suited up for the career. Everyone tries to give you advice about life after school. (Never-mind that I did have a couple gap years in between degrees, I clearly know nothing). Expectations abound and most of the time I still feel like a kid. I suddenly wanted to enroll for another MA degree and hit the red postpone button. Luckily for me, I don't have the money for that costly button. 

So, I decided that I am indeed a big girl now and embrace the new adventures of adulting. My expectations for this new stage of life have been exceeded by God's design for my life. I have a new job at the same school I graduated from and meandering Europe is not in the cards for the next little while. I have found that everyone has their opinion on one's life choices, and opinions aren't always the most consoling thing. Still single, living and working in my hometown invites alot of criticism. But, here's the thing, Following God's will doesnt always mean that it is going to make logical sense to all your life's critics. 

But the harshest critic to face is yourself. I had all these expectations for myself as I approached 25 years. I would either be gallivanting Europe as a missionary or settled down preparing to be married obviously. Well, those milestones and adventures were not what God led me to. Instead he asked me to take a job I never expected to be offered and have adventures in a town I know like the back of my hand. At first, I was like God, really? But to be honest with you this new adventure has given my heart more peace and joy than I ever thought possible. So the key thing? Trust. 

While someone from the outside can look upon my life and be unsure that my life is headed in the direction that I said I wanted to be headed in since I was about 10; I have realized that God knows the DEEPEST desires of my heart. While yes, being single has its rough moments, and Ohio is not necessarily as exciting as Europe. In God's will is my peace. As I explored my options for post grad, nothing gave me more peace than when I allowed God to take the lead in the open doors. I have learned more about my heart in this decision and the faithfulness of God. The thing about God's will is, He knows best. He sees our hearts and knows what will bring us true peace. We just have to trust that He knows us and will lead us to joy in all moments. We can have our plans for the perfect adventure, vocation or spouse but in the end we do not know what we actually need. 

Love requires suffering. Loving God requires us to die to ourselves and live in God's will. This does not mean that we shall forever live in a valley of darkness. God is our light and his will brings immense peace and joy to our hearts. Surrendering our desires allows God to place his plans and desires upon our hearts. But first we have to surrender our plans so that God can do the greatest thing in our hearts. Forming us into saints who bring His love everywhere we go. 

God's desires and designs for our lives are the best possible scenarios. He desires our true happiness. So, if you are struggling with giving him your heart, relax.  If you are like me and worried because your life hasn't had all the "milestones" you thought you should have reached by now, shut up your inner critic and Surrender in trust. Even if you are dateless on Saturday nights and are constantly seeing engagements and babies in your newsfeeds, focus on Christ and know that he knows your heart and promises you true joy. The God who loves you will provide and answer your heart's desires in his timing and in his way.  Rest in His Love for you.