Hoping When the Other Shoe Drops

Wow. Another blog post so soon Mary? Yea. I know. I really have not blogged very much ever but the Lord strongly put it on my heart to continue talking about the topic of Hope that I started in my last post.

Today is the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows. I always struggle with this feast because I really dislike sorrow and suffering. I hate crying. Hate. It. I especially hate weeping- mostly because when you are truly weeping you cannot stop. Now, I know most girls love to have a good cry-but I am not one of them. I prefer laughter and dry wit. But over the past few years crying has been a constant in my prayer life.

As I was reflecting on Hope in suffering I thought about the difficult choice that it is to continue hoping even when faced with your greatest fear coming true. When the other shoe really does drop. We have all experienced this feeling in some capacity- be it in small ways such as disappointment-not getting your dream job/crush/home/car/grade. Or in big ways- Being diagnosed with cancer, grieving the loss of a loved one, being faced with tragedy or rejection. We have all experienced that awful moment where your stomach drops and your heart breaks or shatters.

On February 21 2012 I experienced the worst sorrow I have experienced so far in my life. My Dad, who meant so much to me died suddenly of a severe heart attack. I was in another country at the time doing missionary work. My world fell apart. I felt betrayed, alone, completely and utterly at a loss for words, thoughts...I will never forget that feeling. I had to remember to physically just breathe. The feeling when you start crying so hard and you do not think you could ever stop and you crumple into a ball and forget your surroundings. The past 6 years since that day have been filled with the hardest prayer times I have ever had. And you know what stinks? There is more suffering to come.

My life has become a journey of rediscovering joy- joy that is only found in hope. The truth is that we live in a valley of tears- and life here on earth is never going to be all sunshine and roses. You struggling with this? Yea, me too. I find that whenever I am in those prayer times where my heart is shattered and the only prayer I can muster is Jesus help me- amidst deep sobs- all I want to do is run away.

We remedy suffering and sorrow with distractions don't we? I know I do. Binge watching Parks and Rec on Netflix instead of facing my sorrow? You betcha. Hide in the corner during prayer planning out my next ministry event instead of gazing into the eyes of Jesus, whose love and compassion pierces my soul like a knife? Yep.

But Hope and Joy cannot be found even in the midst of the most awesome sitcom. I love watching hours of the Office and escaping from reality. But after those distractions have faded- I am left alone and sitting in my sorrow.

Jesus and his Mother did not run from suffering. They embraced it for the sake of Love. See, God works miracles through our deepest wounds. One of my favorite Scripture passages is when Jesus weeps at the tomb of Lazarus. Jesus wept. Let that sink in.

 Jesus felt that deep heart pain. Our Lady? She lost her earthly husband and then watched on as her Son was beaten and crucified in front of her. That is deep suffering. Rejection, loss, disappointment. God did not avoid suffering when He became man. He ran to it because in that suffering Salvation was offered and Hope was found.

God works all things for our good. I never thought that my Dad's death would bring about good things. But over the past few years God has used my suffering to bring hope to others. I have been given the amazing opportunity countless times to enter into the suffering of others through my own wounds of loss and rejection. Joy has been born out of my suffering in ways that baffle me on the daily. We may live in the valley of tears- but we are on a journey home to Heaven where all our wounds that we have given to Christ will become jewels in our Heavenly crown. That is where our Hope is found. We look at the Cross and we know that we each must face our Good Friday. Good Friday however, is not the end of the story. Easter happened. Christ rose and conquered evil. Christ becomes intimate with us in our suffering-because in carrying out crosses and being crucified with him we enter into real relationship with him. Then he shall raise us up to the fulfillment of all Joy that can only be found in him. We are called to greatness and to glory-but the road to glory is a battle.

Choose Jesus. Yes, your heart will be shattered, you will face rejection, loss and pain. But you do not do so alone. Jesus is so very present in it. We HOPE for what we cannot see. The joy of Heaven. God will use your suffering to accomplish miracles-if only instead of hiding your wounds you walk alongside Christ as you carry your cross. He will give you your Simon of Cyrene to help you carry the cross if only you ask.

Trust in God friends. He wants to use you for epic purposes. I pray that you allow God to use you in your sufferings. Do not be afraid to step out into the deep. Jesus is calling.

AMDG

Daring to Hope

Hope. Having Hope is dang hard. St. Padre Pio has a quote that I just love/struggle with and that is "Pray, Hope and do not Worry". Well, since moving to Texas the Lord and I have had some rough one on one time. Y'know those prayer times that start out awesome? Like you are sitting in Church and you are thinking "Wow Lord. Life is good. I've gone through alot of healing and well following you is just the best." Then you and God are silent for a while and then He shows you your heart. You know- that part of it you haven't looked at in a while with that wound you thought had healed? Well- as you look at that part of your heart you notice that it is still bleeding. That wound has reopened and you want to run far from that messy pain. But then you make eye contact with Jesus and his gaze of love just traps you there.

I have been realizing lately that I really struggle with hoping and trusting in the Lord's will for my life. When everything is going well and I can see the road ahead-all is well. But when I cannot see what the Lord is doing and I realize just how not in control I am of my life. I freak out. When I was in prayer the other day this really bothered me. I realized that this lack of trust was a major roadblock for being a good youth minister (that's right I thought more about how it effected my ministry then my relationship with God-I'm flawed y'all and its ok).

So God and I had a chat. I prayed for Hope and God asked me why I didn't trust Him. I feigned ignorance since I clearly did not want to talk about the wounds that caused pain. Ignorance is bliss right? Then I sat in the silence as God just looked at me and loved me as He always does. Then I admitted what I was afraid of. I live in fear because I did not think that God loves me enough to grant me the desires of my heart. I struggle very much with feeling worthy of love. I can look at my teens, peers, parishioners, random strangers and see how very much God loves them and how they are so very deserving of love. But for myself? No way. I mean come on- I am selfish, egotistical hot mess most if not all of the time. How could God love me so much that He would give me the greatest gifts? Call me to greatness? Make me a saint? Fulfill even the tiniest desires of my heart? No way. I am too awkward, weird, soft-spoken...the excuse list can go on for miles and miles. But God loves me. I AM LOVEABLE.

Why is it so hard to allow the Lord to love us? Why is it so painful to be seen and loved? Why in moments of pure joy does my heart become tense- waiting for the other shoe to drop? Why can I not live in joyful hope? Simple answer? Because I do not fully believe with my whole heart that God deeply loves me.
I have come to the realization that Hope stems from Love. We cannot hope and trust in God and his will for our lives if we fail to let Him love us. So often I believe the lie that one day God is just going to have enough of me and decide I am not worthy (because I am not worthy). I worry that one day God is going to realize just how much of lost weirdo little sheep I am and not want to pursue my heart. That He will let me remain lost and get attacked by wolves with no hope of a happy ending.
This is all not the heart of God towards me. God DELIGHTS in me. He is CONSTANTLY pursuing my heart. When I finally opened up to God about this I could literally feel the sadness in His heart. He wants only what is best for me. God desires me totally and fully. True- I still have my crosses. But God NEVER ABANDONS his children. God deeply desires the best for us and works EVERYTHING for our good. Holy. Freaking. Cow.

Not everything I think I want is for my own good. So when I do not get things how I want, or things happen that hurt me- I think wow God hates me. He has finally seen me as a little bugger who deserves to suffer. But y'all-no. God does not delight in the suffering of his children. My suffering breaks his heart. But like the Good Good Father that He is- He holds me and remains with me in that suffering. Do not believe me? Look at a crucifix and gaze into the face of Christ who would rather die a most painful death then live one second with you believing that He hates you.
Truth be told my brothers and sisters- God is good. So. Good. He loves us beyond imagining and works all things for our good.

Dare to Hope. If you remain trapped in your fear and the wounds that prevent from you from seeing and believing in God's love for you- You will never fly on the wings of Hope. Life is a fight and journey that is hard. For me I find it so incredibly difficult to keep persevering in suffering. The wounds of being hurt, unloved and abandonment plague me daily. But God does not run away from my bleeding little heart. He takes it in his hands and kisses it with the deepest love and affection.
If you are in a rough place right now, let the Lord love you. Let Him draw you close and kiss your bleeding little heart. If you are in a good place right now- praise God! Do not forget to remain focused on Jesus who walks this road with you. Cling to the Sacraments and Jesus who remains in the tabernacle 24/7 for you.
Lastly- ask for prayers. Be vulnerable. No one has their life together. Be real with others and find friends to cheer you on and pray for you. Know that you do not walk alone. Not ever.
May Mama Mary wrap you tightly in her mantle.

AMDG